My Thoughts . . . . . .

My Dearest Friend

2009-09-03T22:17:00.001-07:00

My dearest friend for over 20 years, my husband and friend Tom.

He's sick, he's really sick this time. I don't think we have ever had him this sick. It is something new for us because he is usually the one who does things in the back ground and probably is the one who is least appreciated for all he does. Not any more.

About three weeks ago he called me at my office and said "Sue, I have to go to the walk in" and I remember being really busy and I said "Can't it wait!" I feel so bad for that now. He left work and drove himself. He called to tell me he had pneumonia and they told him he should be admitted to the hospital but he was going home. I remember driving to Rite Aid to get his meds and another doctor calling me on the cell phone and asking me all these questions. All I really remember from that conversation is "If he gets worse don't come to the walk in dial 911." He got my attention. The next few days were rocky; no sleeping in our house. We saw his own doctor who was immediately distressed and ordered oxygen 24/7 at the house. It ws pneumonia alright and he was not getting enough oxygen.

Almost three weeks later and he hasn't worked, the oxygen is still on and he looks so sick and can't breadth. Tomorrow we start tests for the lungs; then we will see a pulmonary specialist. The doctor says it's more than the pneumonia and we have to find out what it is. In some respects yes lets find out and in others it's better not to know; then you don't have to face it. This way it's like the elephant in the room. The one you can't see.

For weeks we all three stayed in the house and just watched him; I think he got sick of us. For two days now I have been going to work but always near in mind wondering if he is ok. However, it is better than 24/7 in the house listening to the oxygen machine, wondering what lays ahead, wondering if it will have to become the way of life?

Sometimes I feel guilty knowing others have lost their loved ones, mine is here, we have faith he will get better yet it is hard.

I find myself busy all the time; doing it all at home and now back at work. Somehow busy is better. Somehow having to be out there when people say "How is Tom?" is hard. After about 3 explainations a day I am in tears, crumbled and worried. It is better to not talk about it, to be away and remember happier and healthier days.

We love him, we won't forget it and we know healthier days are coming soon.

What A Week

2009-05-31T08:01:00.000-07:00

It has been a fantastic week here. Morgan entered a piece into the Student Juried Art Show and not only was selected to have one of the 27 pieces (out of 100) in the show; she was one of the six pieces selected as Merit Winners. She won $75 and a place in the show. Do try to see it if you get out to WWCC it hangs in the gallery. You can't miss hers it is colorful, bright, and Children's Hands. The piece is titled "Voices."

What an accomplishment for our "Girl." We are so very proud of her.

Then it was Saturday and we celebrated her "Belated Birthday" because everyone, including her, had the horrible flu at the beginning of the month. It was a fun filled night of pizza. salads, pop, beer, wine and cake. Most of all we were joined by people that meant the most to her this year and years past:

Here is Dwain her study partner in History Winter Quarter. They not only became GREAT study partners but lifelong friends as well. Dwain brought and introduced us all to his spouse Kelly. I feel like they are two people that no matter where life sends us all, we will keep in touch.

Jena Peitersen was there . Jim teaches History at the college and our family became connected with him and Jill when they married. Then came along little Jena who Morgan held in the hospital when she was about 5 hrs. old and the bond has been there every since. Morgan wouldn't let anything bad happen to that girl. It might not be biological but Jena has a big sister for life.

Two of the people who have made Morgan's year in Art successful. Elizabeth Harris has taught Morgan many more hours than she has been paid for and developed a bond that happens seldom in Education -- one that will last many years beyond Morgan's time at WWCC. Nanqi You has given Morgan so much Love and Support in her Art, in her journey of English 102 on Line and as an example of being a genuinely kind person. Thank you to both of you.
Morgan's good friend Hannah. They have been friends since Middle School. Now Hannah and Morgan attend the Running Start Program together at WWCC. They are the "best" of friends. It is cool. Yes Hannah "Holy Shit" Morgan is 18 -- my thoughts exactly.

This is Kurt and Claira. Kurt is married to Susan (the photo taker and she is not pictured any where). and Claira is married to Rick who is not pictured. Susan and Kurt have been in Morgan's life since age 7 and are known as her second set of parents. They have been the best of support to her, her whole life through. Claira is married to Rick and they live in Waitsburg and we became aquainted with them many many years ago because Rick worked with Tom up until Dec. at the college. They are great friends.

Morgan had so many great friends there: Jim, Jill and Jenna Peitersen, Curtis Phillips, Jan Kruper, Dwine and Kelly, Susan and Kurt, Nanqi and Steve, Elizabeth and Hans, Rick and Claira, Hannah and her mother Debra Wright, Grandma Bunny -- it was a great party and just what Morgan wanted a mix of all the people she has known and supported her throughout her 18 years and they were there, they had great time and they blessed her abundantly. What more could you ask for.

Great job and much love to our baby girl!

Morgan Is 18

2009-05-04T17:47:00.001-07:00

May 5, 1991 Our Daughter Is Born

Tom and I were married in May of 1989 and I brought into that marriage a daughter, Heather, who was the apple of our eye. After one year of marriage it was obvious we wanted another child to complete our family. We were both in our early 30's and getting pregnant was not easy for me. Within a years time we lost six babies to miscarriage and were about to call it quits. Much to our surprise I conceived an was able to carry to full term and from that came our beautiful daughter Morgan. This was the first baby on Tom's side of the family for at least 10 years and something my family never thought would happen again. So it was exciting.

We have enjoyed every minute of her growing up from a tiny little baby, 6lbs. 5 ozs (19 inches long) to a beautiful young woman. From the time she was our newborn to today she will always be our princess.

She joined a sister who could hardly wait for her to be born! I never had a sister so I was so excited when it was a girl!

She was Grandpa Lou's girl! He was always partial to girls but this girl was the apple of his eye. If he was under control he would never have chosen to die the day before her birthday 4 years ago. She has great memories of him though because he was the kind of Grandpa that went out of his way to make those memories. From the time she started taking spelling tests in 1st grade till she stopped taking them he would send her a ribbon each week in the mail to congratulate her on her spelling grade (she still has those ribbons).

This year she left the high school as a junior and started the Running Start Program. She has done so well and maintains a almost perfect GPA in college level courses. More than that she has taken great love to Art and has achieved so much. This summer she will be teaching a painting class at Kids College. Morgan you have made us proud. Here are a few of her pieces.

Here are just a few fun pictures:

So Morgan know that these 18 years you have made Daddy and I so proud and we love you with all our hearts. You have made us proud and although we tease you alot we can't imagine the day you pack your stuff and hit the road to a life we have prepared you for but one we never thought would come.

Happy 18th Birthday Baby Girl!

A Daughter's Heart

2009-05-01T19:42:00.001-07:00

On Monday May 4th will mark four years since my dad left this earth for what people say is a better place. It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long; it makes you want to shout out to someone who might listen to make time stop. Maybe just replay the last week, the last moment, the last touch, the last I love you forever just one more time. When your in the moment you can't imagine the one year later, the two years later, the three years later and now the four years later. You just wish you had that last chance to reach out and touch that person. Sometimes the feelings are so intense and I remember people saying "it gets better each day." I'm sorry it might get more comfortable but it doesn't get easier and it doesn't get better.

Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling this way because I know people who lost spouses, who lost children, whose children had their fathers for such a short time but I don't feel selfish, I still wish he was here and I don't think it is right. My heart bleeds deeper for those people than it did before I lost my own father, that is for sure. He was the glue for our family and sometimes I just wish him back here to glue us together again. We are making it but somehow not as good as it was before, not as strong as it was before.

He was my best friend in the whole world and when I was sad I could call him and he could make me smile, when I was sick I could call him and he would make me feel better, when I was happy I could call him and he would share that with me, he was my dad and now somehow he is not.

May 1st comes and for me it is a sad season and somehow I think that is so wrong. My youngest daughter celebrates her birthday now "the day after grandpa died." How is that fair? She turns 18 this year, she is doing Running Start, she is teaching Kids College "Painting Class" all things he would be so proud of. He never got to meet his great granddaughter "Ciara" which he would have loved. His eldest daughter has been very successful in her Nursing Career and Grandpa never got to see those things. It breaks my heart.

Michelle, I know you read this blog and I am so sorry because I feel this way and your pain is so great; the loss of a husband and father to three children here on earth and one by his side in heaven. I love you and although I don't know your pain I feel it deeply. Please know that.

Another May will come and go.

I love you Daddy; I love you so much and miss you so very much.

Nathan Bradford We Love You

2009-04-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

A terrible thing happened to good people again. My 13 year old friend Nathan Bradford took his own life on April 1st. My dear friend Lynn could not have been at her worst possible place when the next day her husband couldn't take this death he was dealt and went out and killed himself. How do you make sense of this -- you don't. So now a family of 5 has become a family of 3 and begin life all over again.

Nathan has been in Children's Theatre Program I work with each summer. He was one those Bradford Kids who always had a smile from ear to ear. He was a practicle joker and he was always one you had to remind "remember your lines." He was the kid we never thought we would get him settled down enough to do his thing on stage but it always worked. I often saw Nathan riding his bike all over Walla Walla -- it was just what he did. I can't even imagine not seeing him riding his bike this summer.

For Lynn I can't imagine waking up one morning and not being the mother of 3 but to 2 and then go to bed and wake up and not have a husband to help make these adjustments. Her whole world has been crushed.

There oldest daughter, only daughter, Shannon is a delight. She is in her senior year in high school and she is so proud and so enjoying being a senior. Why does this happen to her; why does her senior year have to be less happy. I just love Shannon nd that great smile on her face. I remember several children's theatre when her father came and watched his kids "he swelled in pride." Shannon always refers to him as her Daddy. How come a young lady in this part of her life have to say good by to her Daddy and her little brother.

They are strong, they have great faith in god and they will be ok. They will be supported by there church. I hope they find and feel the love the community of Walla Walla embraces them with. I love that family and will share Nathan and Kirk tomorrow. Pray for them, pray for all the children effected in our community by the death, and finally love your family a bit deeper today and always.

Spring Around The Corner

2009-03-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I think it has been a very long winter . . . . .almost too long.

I always find myself in the Winter with the blues and this winter has been no different. Up until Jan. I had made great strides in exercising regularly and had lost over 30 lbs., changed eating habits and just felt darn good. Although I kept the weight off during this winter, I lost no more, I stopped exercising and just didn't feel good again. I spent Febrary weekends on the road with my best friend going to visit her father who was dying. Unfortunantly he lost his battle on

Feb. 22. It was sad for me for many reasons; it brought back memories of my dad and I just ached for my friend who joined the unwanted membership into the "no father club."

This week I decided with Spring around the corner it was time for me to make a change; a change back to what made me feel better. So I am back to exercising every day and watching more what I eat. I can already tell a bit of a difference. I hope that difference continues to grow. Unfortunantly about a month ago I fell on the porch and pulled the nerve in my hip and it has really affected my ability to walk short or long distances which is something I had really loved doing. I hope to get the strength back. Tom and I did ride bikes last summer so hopefully we can get back on our bikes although I would walk a million times rather than get on my bike but I will. Somehow I think the bike will be less forgiving of the fall I took.

So keep me in your thoughts as I come out of this funk and get back on track and head toward Spring; a new beginning.

Just Thinking Outloud

2009-01-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

I don't do much posting her anymore. Doesn't and hasn't seemed right lately. Winter is always a hard time for me and Feb. particularly is one of those months. The month my mother misses Dad so very much with her birthday, valentines day, the anniversary of their first date and their wedding anniversary. It is funny that some of these months still have a pang of ache after so long.

I am struggling right now. My best friend in the world is watching her father die. It is so sad to witness this and not be able to save him; not to be able to save her from what is to come. She is soon to become a member of a horrible club "The Losing a Parent Club." It doesn't matter how old you are or how old your parent is it is sting like no other. Her father has suffered from Alzhimers for awhile and so we haven't known him like he was but now his body is shutting down. Her parents have been married for 63 years so again witnessing her mother losing her life partner. Wow, sometimes it is way to close . . . .it adds salt to a wound which never truly heals. Keep this family close to heart knowing at any minutes they will lose him. The hospice nurse says maybe 2 weeks but only time will tell.

My sister in law's mother fell at 83 and broke her hip a week ago. She got the call tonight her mother had a stroke and she wasn't doing good. Keep her close to heart as she leaves Phoenix and heads to Bellingham to be with her mother.

Is it winter or something in the air. I wish it would stop whatever it is. I am ready for Spring and brighter days.

Missing Arizona

2009-01-11T18:16:00.001-08:00

Photobucket Album

Happy Holidays

2008-12-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it just doesn't quite feel like the holidays yet but it will soon. Our house didn't get decorated, no lights outside because we will be packing up soon and heading to Arizona for Christmas. It always brightens my heart to be there close to family and friends. Lots to do though to get to that point but that call from our "Ciara" "grandma, Papa I love you." We love you too Ciara and we can't wait to be there to do all the things you love to do and meet your brand new puppy. We leave on the 17th and return in the New Year.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T13:49:00.001-08:00

A very old pic of a thanksgiving of the past with mom, dad, my brother, his wife and I. Wow how the years have changed our family. Dad is gone, I have a husband, two beautiful daughters, a son in law, a darling granddaughter.

Well, Thanksgiving brings so many memories and things I am grateful for . . . . . .

My heart always aches this time of year when I am so far from my mom, daughter, granddaughter, brother but it rejoices to know at Christmas I will be there.

I am grateful to have a set of family in laws to celebrate with . . . .

I am grateful to have close friends that are best knows "as family"

I am grateful for all the servicemen and woman who are out fighting for our country instead of gathering around their family tables.

I am grateful for a healthy family.

I am grateful for my job and my home.

I wish all a very grateful "Thanksgiving" as you join with family or friends or both this holiday season.

Favorite Photo Friday - Family Photo

2008-11-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well, my favorite family photo is from this past Sept. It is a shot of my husband's family and my daughters. It was my 50th Birthday and our oldest came home from Arizona with her husband and my granddaughter for the occassion. We had a family dinner at my mother in laws house because she was unable to get out. This pic includes my daughters, my sister in law and her entire family and my mother in law. It was a great evening of food, family and celebration and I am going to remember it for the rest of my life. We had a great birthday party the next day but this was really the highlight of the week -- yep we celebrated for a week :)

Fav. Friday Photo - Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

This picture is about 17 years old. Both my girls on the front porch modeling sweatshirts made by their Aunt Sharyl "the talented one in the family." Morgan was maybe 2 and so that put Heather at about 7 I would guess. I just loved those days but I don't miss them either. So enjoy your halloween and our blast from the past.

Happy Birthday Heather!

2008-10-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

It doesn't seem possible that this little girl will turn 25 on Oct. 29th. It seems like just yesterday that her father and I were celebrating the announcement of her impending birth with family and friends. I remember my father saying "are you sure your ready for a baby." Well, I remember thinking "well it is a bit too late now to think of that." However, it was one of the most exciting days of his life when I gave birth to this little girl. She was the apple of his eye.

I do have to say that it was questionable if I would every have her. I was in a car accident when I was 7 months pregnant. A car rear ended our car and put me in the hospital in premature labor for a week. After finally getting the labor calmed down and sent me home I went two weeks over my due date before finally having her. I might say there were lots of trips to the hospital in false labor but when finally labor started it was hard and long. I would estimate about 1.5 days of labor before finally giving birth to her. In those days it was IV drugs and no epiderals for the pain and lots of doctors and nurses saying "sometimes first babies take forever." I remember telling my mom, dad and her father "I was sure I had made a mistake about wanting a baby and lets go home." It was too late and I am glad it was because she has made me very proud.

She has lived through lots in her 25 years of life and made us proud. Unfortunantly for her, her father and I divorced just two years after her birth and until she was 5 lived with mom and visited dad. She was lucky because her father was always part of her life. We were lucky to find Tom when she was only 6 and she had "two" dads. Then she became a big sister; something she never thought she would become.

She attended 12 years of Catholic School and graduated from DeSales High School. There was only 4 children in her graduating class that had gone through the Catholic School System in WW from the beginning to the end of their education. It was a day I will never forget. She spent a year kind of floundering and wondering what she wanted to do and then did one of the bravest things I could ever imagine; and one of the most heart breaking days of my life. She moved to Arizona to live with her grandparents and go to a Intense Nursing School. She graduated high in her class even though she called sometimes 5 times a day and just knew she could not and would not make it. She has moved right along in her Nursing career and is in Nursing Administration in Arizona at a Long Term Care Facility. I remember when my father was in the last week of our lives she was with us every minute and gave us good advise and made sure grandpa was well cared for and got everything he needed. She paid him back for everything he had done for her in her life. I know she misses him more than to the moon and back and to the moon again because in many cases he was more than just her "Grandpa."

So here is a picture of her when she was about 3 and celebrating Halloween. Halloween was always celebrated well at our house because we always celebrated Halloween and her Birthday together.

Here she is this past September. A lovely young woman with a husband and young daughter. We are so very proud of who she is and what she has accomplished.

Happy Birthday early sweet girl!

Love, Mom

It's A New Car . . . .

2008-10-10T21:14:00.001-07:00

Favorite FOTO Friday #59 - Summer Memories

2008-10-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

Although it pushes the Summer Season a bit the weather said it was still summer so here you go ............

Well our eldest daughter, Heather, visited Walla Walla from Sept. 18 to Sept. 23 with her husband, Will, and our granddaughter Ciara. They came as my 50th Birthday Gift and what a gift it was. I have choosen some pics from the visit randomly because I am not so good at this blogging stuff. Sit back and enjoy our family as much as we enjoyed having them visit. We can't wait to see them in Arizona when we travel there for Christmas.

\ Ciara has had a full day and zonked out in the car :) I can tell it was Sunday because she has her football jersey on.

We traveled to our cabin up Mill Creek to pick blackberries. A time Heather remembers as a child. I wasn't so excited but once we were all up there it brought back great memories when Tom, Heather and I became a family back in 1989 and this was something we did almost every Fall weekend.

Mom and daughter remembering the old days.

The old cabin.

Isn't our eldest daughter beautiful? She is a nurse now and we are so proud of her

We celebrated my birthday at a party hosted by my good friend Susan and her spouse and it was attended by an overwhelming number of friends and family. Although I said "NO CAKE" here it is.

Here is what 50 candles do . . . . . . .

One of my daughter's first stops was to go visit Grandpa Clark's gravesite and take him flowers. She loved "Papa Swede."

We walked downtown and hit the farmer's market.

We gathered as a family and celebrated my birthday again with my great niece Emmaleigh who celebrated her 12th birthday. Few candles.

All the greatgrandkids with Grandma; She has her eyes on Ciara. This was great fun for her.

Great Uncle Mike was a hit with Ciara . . . .

The cousins . . . .Heather, Sarah and Ciara

More family shots

This is the sweet girl we miss so much. She warmed our beds, she kept us busy and she warmed our hearts more than she will ever know. Thank you Rucker's for making this trip to Walla Walla.

Love, Mom/Grandma

Family Dinner - Day 1 of Heather and Family's Trip To Walla Walla

2008-09-25T06:09:00.001-07:00

Favorite Foto Friday - Our Granddaughter is coming

2008-09-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

Well we only have 6 days to wait to see this beautiful granddaughter of ours . . .we can hardly wait but her mama sent us a few new pics to keep us happy today.

And Another . . . . .

And Another . . . . .
And this is what grandpa and I have waiting for her . . . . .we should be voted #1 right away; at least that is the plan.

FFF - Baby Pictures

2008-09-05T06:03:00.001-07:00

Our two girls one week old.

The one all dressed in pink is our 24 year old daugher Heather at 1 week old.

The other baby is our baby Morgan at 1 week old; now 17.

We have truly been blessed with these two baby girls who have grown up to be wonderful young woman.

We Lost A Good Friend

2008-08-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

BARNEY CLARK

1994 - 2008

Thursday morning (8/28/20-08) we lost a good friend that we will miss for a long time . . . . . Our youngest daughter brought Barney home when she was only three years old (she turns 18 this spring). She would dress him in baby doll clothes, put him in the stroller and head down the street. Barney was quite a trooper about this. He loved lounging in the yard and letting everyone and anyone going down the street pet him. We will miss him.

Morgan, Tom and I looked everywhere yesterday for a stone for his final resting place with no luck. Nothing fit. So this afternoon Morgan and I (mostly Morgan) worked on this. A fitting tribute to a good friend. Rest in peace Barney.

My Girls Far Away

2008-08-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

I always consider it a great day when I get pictures of my daughter and granddaughter that live so far away.

"When you cherish the emotional value of a gift, it can never really be lsot, for what you carry in your heart is your to keep, forever."

Our Oldest Daughter, Heather

Our Granddaugher Ciara and her friend

(Ciara is the one all dressed up and ready to go)

FFF - New Pictures of Our Favorite Family

2008-08-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

This is our oldest daughter, Heather, and our granddaugher, Ciara

This is a picture of our daughter and her husband

These are pictures we wait patiently for and they what keeps us going until they visit Walla Walla in September. We are lucky this year because we will then head to Arizona to visit them in December. Wow!

We can't wait to see you!

Love, Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt Morgan

Favorite Photo Friday - Best Friends

2008-07-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

Best Friends makes me think of this past Winter was really quite hard on my youngest daughter who was 16. Her "BFF" moved from Walla Walla where she lived with her mom to Germany to live with her Dad. It was a hard time for Morgan but it is so wonderful that they are still great friends. They email, instant message, and stay in contact almost every day. Although, Morgan has lots of friends Kathy remains very close to heart and it was tough for Morgan when she left. However, we love you Kathy :)

This photo is just plain cute. It is of my husband many many many years ago with his little friend taking a picture in the Firetruck -- you can do that when your dad is a fireman.

The Clark Family

2008-07-24T12:58:00.001-07:00

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

MOVING DAY

2008-07-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

Well, as sad as it is my husband's mother, my second mother, had to move out of the rental she has been living in across the street from us to a new place. She is like my second mother. However, the owner needed his house back and so we had no choice. So yesterday, today and probably for weeks to come we our moving. Everything is at the new place and tonight will be her first sleeping night there but the unpacking really begins tomorrow. She is 83 so change is hard so please pray for her; in fact I think change is hard for my husband who would spend time time with her is hard if not harder. Please keep us all in your prayers and good thoughts as this process proceeds.

FAVORITE FOTO FRIDAY #47 - RED, WHITE AND BLUE

2008-07-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

These pictures were the end of a wonderful 4th of July shared by family and friends at the Clark house.

FAVORITE FOTO FRIDAY #46 - SUMMER LOVIN

2008-06-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

HERE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE FOTO'S OF MY GRANDDAUGHTER ENJOYING THE POOL THIS SUMMER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Favoritye Foto Friday #43 Messy Spaces/Disorderly Conduct

2008-06-06T12:49:00.001-07:00

Well, today's theme is perfect for my favorite drawer; no one in the family dare open it. It is full to the brim with photos of the past -- this is pre digital camera time so be prepared. I have tried to bundle them and sort them and then you start to look for one and well here is what you have:

Happy Birthday Dad

2008-05-31T20:42:00.001-07:00

5/31/1931 - 5/4/2005

Francis J. "Lou" LaLumiere

Oh I remember the day that you left us like yesterday. I was so blessed to have made it from Walla Walla to Arizona in time to spend 5 days with you before you left us. I was there at the end when you took your last breadth. I would not trade it for a moment.

During your life time you accomplished so much but most of all you were a wonderful husband to mom; she misses you more than life. You were the best dad to me and Michael and not a moment goes by in a day I don't miss you. A lot of daughters are not as lucky as I to consider their fathers to be their best friends but I was a lucky one. It was my pleasure to provide you with your two special granddaughters; Heather and Morgan. They were what made your heart tick and you were everything to them. They miss you too!

You were the best -- we remember you today on your special day. Happy Birthday

2008-05-29T18:56:00.001-07:00

FF Friday - Sleepover

This is a picture of my two daughters many moons ago. My oldest is now 24 with a daughter of her own and my youngest 17. It is hard to believe it was so many years ago when we would dress them up in matching pj's for photo shots at Christmas. All of those out there with young children enjoy them now because believe me they grow up fast . . . . . .

I had to scan this pic since they didn't have digital cameras in those days so it isn't the best.

Favorite Photo #41 -- Only One

2008-05-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't have any photos from this week so I dug through some from earlier and

picked just one of my very favorite with our granddaughter and her Papa . . . . . . . . .

Favorite Foto Friday - Fun In The Sun

2008-05-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I don't usually participate in these Favorite Foto Friday's because it wasn't what my blog is all about but my daughter sent this picture this week and I could not help but participate this week.

I might add that I do love looking at others.

2008-05-13T19:57:00.000-07:00

Our oldest daughter sent me some of the cutest pictures of our granddaugher Ciara. I thought I would post them on my blog. Ciara will be 3 years old on Nov. 23rd; about 6 months after my father died she was born. She brought life back to our family and boy would he have loved his first great grandchild. Anyway enough here are the pictures:

I think this reminds me of "ET phone home"

Isn't she a beauty; grandma can't wait to see you again!

I think these gogles are like a bit big but Heather says no this is how they fit! Ok?

So enough bragging. . . . . .

2008-05-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

I follow several blogs of people who have adopted from Guatemala and it has brought such joy to me that I join them in this:

Taken directly from JuJu's blog-I am declaring this Thursday as the first annual:
National Day Of Prayer
for the
Orphans of Guatemala
We have a responsibility as parents and believers to continue to go to God for those still in the adoption process and for the children that do not yet have families.
I ask each of you to join with me in an all day time of prayer. It does not matter where you are or what you are doing, you can pray however you chose to. Silently as you work, Loudly as you vacuum or softly as your rock your sweet Guatemalan gift.
I come to you with a serious drive to gather as many willing hearts as I can to join together to lift up the families still waiting to bring their babies home and to also lift ALL of the children in Guatemala trapped in this mess needing so desperately to be loved, held and HOME with a family!!!!
Thank you in advance for getting the word out. PLEASE, put a link to my blog, do a post, get this on the forums and blogs that you guys are involved in.
PRAYER WORKS!!!!
There is power in numbers and there are scriptures on my side bar to show you just how true this is!
Let me know you got the news and that you are going to pass it on.
To those of you that believe in fasting - fast as you feel led to and fast what you feel led to.
That is a private thing.
To those of you that do not pray - I ask you to send a word of encouragement to those waiting, and do what you to send well wishes to the orphans of Guatemala.
The newest reports sound bad - but I chose to do what the word of God says.
I will trust him and know that he is faithful to hear our prayers and answer them:)
So - lets join together
THURSDAY
from now on,
the first Thursday in May will be:
National Day of Prayer
for the
Orphans of Guatemala
are you with me on this???????

2008-05-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

May 4, 2005

This is the day we lost our husband, our father, our grandfather to the terrible disease "cancer." We miss him today as much as we missed him that day. He was my best friend. . . . . .

2008-04-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

"People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget how you made them feel."
-Maya Angelou

We don't like to say good-bye to those whom we love. It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here. They have no pain there. They struggled here. They have no struggles there. You and I might wonder why God took them home. But they don't. They understand. They are, at this very moment, at peace in the presence of God. We can take comfort in knowing that are loved ones are in the warm arms of God. And when Christ comes, we will hold them, too.

Max Lucado

2008-03-10T13:05:00.001-07:00

It is Spring Time in Walla Walla; Easter and the promise of a new life is just around the corner. I think spring is my favorite time of the year. Things start blooming in the yard and you begin working outside in the yard again and see your neighbors that you don't see all winter. It just seems like a time that everything is alive again. It refreshes the heart! Our Winter has been long and cold so it is good to have the promise of new life again. Baseball is in the air, small children are out riding their bikes and playing in the yard, parents are out walking babies in strollers and I can't wait to start planting the yard full of beautiful flowers. This picture is a picture of a tree planted in memory of my father on the golf course in Sun City, AZ that he played on so many many times. The house my mother lives in overlooks the golf course and this tree planted by his friends with a wonderful plaque that reads "In Memory of Lou LaLumiere." Even this tree sings out "Spring" and a new beginning. Enjoy your Spring where ever you might be.

Arrival Of Spring

The smell of spring is in the air,flowers blooming everywhere,Butterflies kiss the end of my nose,tulip heads begin to show.Snow flakes now turn to rain,no more aches, no more pain.I'm taking off my long underwear,the warmth of spring is in the air.Mother Robin she says, "HELLO",with motherly pride, she proudly glows.With 3 tiny chicks all snuggled in nest,she puffs out her tiny red robin chest.Her song of cheer is so sweet to my ear,I look forward to her song every year.Because she represents the first of spring,I listen for her, and for what she brings.Spring is the cleansing of our earth,given to us free, at our birth.

"Happy 2008"

2008-01-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

This is how we spent our holidays; with family from afar. Papa and Ciara became best buddies and it was sad to leave her behind after two weeks. We would have loved to stick her in our suitcases without her mama knowing and bring her home. Now we are home after a truly amazing visit to Arizona. Nothing like spending two weeks in the sun in the middle of the cold winter her in Walla Walla. We were able to see daughter, son in law, granddaughter, mother, brother and sister in law all in one visit. Of course we stayed with my mom and had Christmas at her house. After two very lonley Christmas's without her husband, my father, it was so heartwarming to have the house full of her daugher and her family and her son and daughter in law. She just kept saying "Dad would have loved this" and how right she is he would have. Tom was able to be "Mr. Handyman" and do lots of things she needed done and I took care of some of her needs. It was fun to be there and it was ever so hard to leave there. Two weeks seemed like a long time but it flew by so fast I could hardly believe it. Then we are home to the reality of life. Tom had a MRI but hooray we learned yesterday that there worst nightmear (and ours) was wrong -- he has no tumor in the brain. He has something that can be fixed with drug therapy and that made my heart jump. My mother in law is ill and it looks like it could be something more serious but we are praying and keeping our fingers crossed that it isn't more serious. What a week it has been but we will know more on Thursday. Please keep good thoughts for us on that one. Since I blog rarely then I wish you the best for the rest of Winter and remember Spring is just around the corner.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-11T06:10:00.001-08:00

Well Thanksgiving is over and my how time flys. In just a few days my family and I will board a plane and head to sunny Arizona to spent Christmas with my family. Although my heart is sad that dad won't be there my heart has grown to know that he just isn't there. Does that make sense; you see even though I have made this journey many times before it was different I always had this hope, this belief, this feeling that maybe he would be there but now it is knowing he just won't be there. The saddness doesn't rip my heart out anymore; it doesn't mean I miss him any less it just means I am beyond that total devestation. I am looking forward to this Christmas as it is the first time in 17 years that my whole family will be together; Mother, oldest daughter and her family, my brother and sister in law and my husband and youngest daughter. Yes, we will miss Dad but we will be celebrating the love of the season and our family as it is now. Happy Holidays to all.

It's September -- It's My Birthday

2007-09-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

Well it is the month I dread the most; my birthday is Sunday! Why do I dread it is because for me it is a stinging reminder that Dad is gone just in case I didn't remember. My sweet husband is always good at saying "so what do you want to do this year." Well the first year I didn't want to do anything but cry and he was pretty good in letting me do just that, last year I wanted to have a full blown party thrown by me and it was great and so this year the same question and my answer "just be a family." Well it pretty much got changed by my friend Susan who thinks we should at least have dinner so we are going to do that.

While contemplating the impending day I thought of childhood memories and thought about my parents who always had great gifts but always made us choose a organization for them to donate some money in our name to for one of our birthday gifts. As children my brother and I always thought it was a bit corney but hay we still got our gifts so it was an ok thing to do. It is funny because all these years later I continue to donate to something of great cause on or around my birthday. I think back at that and thing what a great way to make sure your children know what is important in life.

This year I will be donating to Josh a little boy who is so sick. His family has been left without a home due to a storm, Josh who requires alot of medical bills and issues and Josh's grandma who is very very sick with cancer. This family needs our prayers and our available money. SO because of what my parents taught us so many years ago I will assist a young boy in prayer and a gift how much more could I want for my birthday.

Thank you mom and dad for a lesson well learned and passed down all these years later.

2007-07-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

August begins tomorrow -- where did summer go . . . . Soon we will be leaving the hot days of summer and begin the cool days of Fall. I would hope to tell you that my heart is better and no longer aches for my dad, but I can't. It just seems that every time I turn around something just shouts his name out or someone looks like him or we see something and I can just see my family hold their breadth in hopes no one says anything, because they know by now it will start me crying and they don't want that. Some days I think they get sick of it and rightly so after all its been two years and everyone says it gets better, but bad news for me it hasn't and I don't think it will. My dear friend Connie is right there with me two years since her mother died and she feels the same way. I read blogs of others who have lost loved ones; friends like Chelle and Cathy who have lost spouses and they are still so sad and I think "they were their spouses Sue, it is harder for them you should be getting better" but I don't know why but I'm not. I am thankful for Connie who reminds me it is ok not to be better. I think maybe I should let my Cambridge/blog friends go and then I would heal faster, but I can't because somehow that makes it better -- it makes me feel ok to feel the way I do. I have found in the past two years I am able to get an incredibly amount of stuff done in a 24 hours period and I never sit down. My mother-in-law who just moved in across the street from us always says "how come you do so much in one day, why don't you just rest?" I am pretty sure after thinking about that it is because I am afraid to stop and think, it is best to keep busy. SO when I am not at work, producing Children's Theatre, working concessions almost every night of Cinderella or making freezer jam, my new hobby (I have made nearly 50 containers this month) I find something out constructive to keep my mind busy. So there you have it, another boring blog about how terribly I miss my dad. Of course as I said Fall is around the corner and my birthday is in September and he was the biggest Birthday Fan. He was the first to call on that day and the last to call on that day. I miss him more than words can say; after all he was my Best Friend.

2007-06-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and it is usually the time I get on a plane and fly off to the sun of Arizona to visit my granddaughter and so my heart is sad because I am not doing that this summer. We are waiting to go till Christmas and then we can all go and stay two weeks. I posted a picture of Dora because my granddaugher (18 months) believes she is Dora's sister so it always reminds me of her.

This past weekend was our local "Relay For Life." Wow it was emotional. I didn't do that last year because it was so raw I couldn't force myself. I did it this year only because the pieces fell into place. I thought about volunteering but I didn't it was easier on the Anniversary of my Dad's Death to write the usual check to Hospice for $100 -- denial is what it is called. Then it was "well I should get him a luminar?" Well, till a week before it never happened and I was out at a yardsale of all places and this lady was selling them right there and Tom said "look you can get it now" and so I was kind of forced into it and then as I began to decorate it right there on the spot tears flowed and flowed and thank god for this special woman who wrapped her arms around me and let me know it was all ok she knew what I was experiencing. I thought about that moment alot and thought two years later and the emotion and the feelings are like it was that very day. I for the first time let myself feel "ok" for feeling that way. I was so very close to my father; we called each other "best friends." Although in latter years there was many miles between us we talked on the phone each day and emailed each other each day. Many times he would be in the car waiting for my mom to get her hair cut or in the store for a minute and he would pick up his cell phone and just call. Sometimes I was so busy but I am grateful today I never rushed him of the phone. Anyway, I got off track here: Then the luminar was purchased and so the day came for the event and Tom worked all day and so Morgan and I got in the car about 7 to head down that way and we got there and the cars were packed in so I drove right by and I remember Morgan saying "I thought we were going?" and I quickly told her "NO, I just wanted to look." Tom came home at 8 and he said "Let's go" and so he got me to get going and I kept telling him "there is too many cars" but low and behold he found a spot right up close so we went. It was the most amazing thing even though very very emotional so I am grateful we went. We listened to music, we read each and every luminary, we prayed by my Dad's luminary, we cried together, we walked together and laughed together as we remembered funny stories about Dad and we didn't leave till nearly 11 p.m. which is very late for us. My dad never had a service (at his request) so it was kind of like our "service" together as a family (minus our older daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law). For something I worked so hard to avoid -- it was good, it was really good. Next year I won't avoid it, I will embrace it with my whole being.

Sue

2007-04-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

Well for me it is sad to think that a week from Friday will be May 4, 07 and two years since my dad left us. Even though I have not conciously thought of this it just is coming. It seems even sadder for me than the first year anniversary. I think after the first year it was still disbelief but now it has sunk in and he isn't coming back, our lives keep moving and he keeps missing so many things. I never wanted to lose him and I don't care if that sounds silly I didn't. I want him back. So somehow this getting easier stuff people mention is not correct; it is WRONG. So as the seasons change again we mark this event in our family. Yesterday we had to put our 15 year old dog Lucky to sleep. It was much harder than I could have ever imagined. I think it must be the season. I cried and cried and then cried some more and I keep saying "for pitty sake he is only your dog." He was our friend though and my dad would love to throw him cookies when he visited. So when I told my mom last night on the phone she said "I bet your dad is filling him up with cookies right now." I hope that is true.

Our youngest daughter will celebrate her "Sweet 16" May 5th. I can hardly imagine how time just flies.

As the season's change I hope you all find your lives in good places. Please continue to pray for all the children, young adults and adults who are suffering from cancer. It seems we lose many a day from this horrible disease. I pray one day there is a cure!

2007-03-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

Anyone that reads this I would hope that you would keep this family in your prayers. My friend Kathie passed this along to me and as I read it I realized my oldest daughter was a few years behind Sarah in school at DeSales and knew here. We are praying with all our hearts for this young family. Please read Kathie's email below and Pray . . . . .

I am asking for prayers for a 4 month old baby who is in Portland with a brain tumor. I don't want to pass to much info. as I don't want to be incorrect. I am going to share CaringBridge with a close friend of the families tomorrow in hope they will start a site if there is not already one made.
Gail Danielson is the grandmother and she and her husband Don live here. Gail works for the school district in one way or another. Their daughter Sara is the mother she graduated from DeSales class of 98 or 99. Living now in Prineville Oregon.
Michelle, Sara and Liz (Cox) Stroe are best of friends they were maids of honor I believe in each others weddings. Liz has made three trips down to Portland already in the last week and a half. I talked to Liz yesterday and her car died while she was in Portland what kind of luck is that.
I will let you know if a Caringbridge site is set up.
I know they can use all the prayers they can receive. My understanding is they will start chemo tomorrow.

They are having the following fundraiser locally in Walla Walla if any readers are from here:

CHILI AND CHOWDER BENEFIT DINNER

Come help support our benefit dinner for Fredrick Jimenez. He is the son of Isaiah and Sarah ( Danielson ) Jimenez. At 5 months Fredrick has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has undergone surgery and medical procedures and will start cancer treatments. He is fighting for his life. He needs our prayers and they need our support. So please join us for a chili, chowder and pie feed this Thursday March 15th from 4-7 PM at St. Francis Parrish Hall.

Adults $6.00
Children 10 and under $4.00

If unable to attend dinner please fill free to stop by between 2-7 PM and help fill the fireman’s hats with your donations.

Thank you all so much for your support!

2007-03-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

Well it is nice to report that our family will be back to normal again! Tom won his grievance and will return to day shift a week from tonight! Hip Hip Hooray. We had hope that things would improve regarding hours but never did we guess that his hours would return to the original day hours but they have!
Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts during this rough time.

I am continuing to walk to work and work through some of my own issues which is always good.

Keep my friend Connie in your prayers she has just lost her Aunt; her Uncle died just two weeks ago so this is all really hard for her. So many little ones on cambridge are dying and families are struggling keep them close to heart. So many people hurting. My friend Cathy from Chicago struggles each day with the loss of her sweet Lou just 6 months ago. Pray for her too!

I have discovered a website through her nephews website of a young woman in the Luteran Church that is doing her internship to become a minister. She shares wonderful wonderful things and gives me hope so please keep her in your prayers as she continues her ministry work and visit her site: http://laurathevicar.blogspot.com/

2007-02-27T18:06:00.000-08:00

Well Feb. is about over and March is right ahead of us . . . . .
Feb began horrible for us at the Clark household. The first Friday of Feb. we went to check on Tom's mom and found her in bed and we could not wake her. After a trip by ambulance to the hospital it was discovered she had a heart attack. She spent two weeks in the hospital recovering and now is back at home with a lot of home health, meals on wheels and lots of attention by us. We are pretty much worn out.
Many of you know that Tom has been working at the college for 25 years and the past 16 of them on Day Shift and then with no warning in August his boss changed him to
11 p.m. to 7:30 am. shift. This was devastating to us and Tom became an emotional and physical wreck and ended up taking two months of medical leave. So in mid Nov. he went back to work and started nights however, he continued to fight through the grievance process. Today we got word that he is to meet with his union rep, the VP of facilities and the HR person at 7:00 a.m. and the word is he is going to be returned to his day shift. The Union person has been assured this is what it is all about. We are praying, hoping, keeping the faith that this is indeed the end to this mess. So as you can see we are looking forward to a great end of Feb.
My walking has slowed down, way down, but I am still struggling walking in to work (2 miles) once a week. I am hoping to continue that as we go back to new hours in our house and transportation to school.
I still suffer from missing my dad with all my heart and soul, I still don't sleep well but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. I have so many friends just struggling and I am grateful to be able to join hands with them and know we will survive because we are survivors.

2007-02-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems time just flys and you don't even realize it!

Not much to report. Still walking and trying to get a bit more healthy, but as most things that to has slowed down. I think it is the cold and gloomy weather that does that; at least I hope that is the case.

It seems that sad things just keep happening. My good friend Connie lost her Uncle who was her mother's brother. It just dug up bad bad memories for Connie. My mother in law had a heart attack which will increase her need for Assisted Living; losing her independence is hard. My Aunt is in her last days of cancer; they have called in Hospice and she is not taking any more treatments. My friend Michelle is in turmoil and need prayers. My friend Cathy is struggling with her own grief over the loss of her dear sweet Lou. Sometimes all this just makes your head spin and you wonder "where can I jump off." However, somehow with the grace of God we survive.

Hopefully Spring is just around the corner!

2007-01-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

A New Year has dawned and this little face, our granddaughter, is what makes us know that life and families continue on. My father would have been so excited and proud to have this little girl around -- to bad he didn't live to see her.

Well, the holidays are over and it was nice. We spent time with family and friends and spent time away from work. However, then it hits you and you have to get back with it. I found it really hard to get back into my regular schedule again but I did.

Tomorrow I am going to head to work on foot again since my excerise this past month has been substituted with feeling sorry for myself, eating all the foods I stopped eating for months and just doing nothing. So as hard as it will be it will be good to get into a routine again. Routine that is what makes me feel better.

Please keep all my friends and family who have lost loved ones close to your hearts as they begin a new year hopefully filled with good memories and new adventure.

2006-12-15T10:28:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas

This is an updated picture of our granddaughter "Ciara." We think she is so cute but we are a bit prejudice.

Tis the season to be jolly they say. I have to say when you lose someone that the holidays just don't mean much anymore. This will be the second Christmas without my dad and there just remains this big empty space -- something is missing. My mom put it the best the other day "holidays are just another day without your dad" and I tend to agree.

In other news we continue to survive at our house with Tom working nights . . . . .He has adjusted better than me. I miss him terribly because when he works 11 p.m. till 7:30 a.m. he is usually sleeping in the evenings. When he goes in at 5 he is just gone for the evening. So I have to think of a new past time after the holidays besides sitting at home eating candy, watching tv, and crying. That is one of my New Year's Resolutions. I am still walking to work two days a week even in this bitter cold weather and my Blood Pressure is ok not great but ok.

Please keep all my Cambridge Friends and my friends who have lost family so dear to their hearts in your prayers during this holiday season.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummins

2006-10-31T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well November is just around the corner . . . .where did October go????? Boy November weather sure arrived over night and I guess might be here for several days.
Just a short update on how things are going for me. Pretty well I guess. I am using the sleep aid as promised two nights a week so at least those two nights are good sleeping nights. The other nights are pretty much the same; in bed around 9:00p.m. and up at 1:00 a.m. and back to bed at 3:20 or so and back up for the day at 4:30 a.m. I only wish I could change this but right now there seems to be no reasonable solution.
I am still walking the 2 miles or so to work three days a week and walking in the evenings with Tom. So I feel pretty good about that. I think it is starting my fourth week of the walk to work. Today at lunch I am going to walk about 30 minutes in hopes to relieve some office stress. I hope I am able to get out and do that.
The blood pressure was down and the weight was abit down when I saw Dr. Sophia last time. My doctor appointment made me feel really really good and gave me some good feedback to keep on the trail. So that is the saga of my health.
At home we have Tom who hasn't worked since early September because his diabeties and blood pressure are all out of wack and are realated to work. So he will be home and not working for awhile and hoping to get in better health. Pray for him.
I still visit and pray for so many cambridge families. SO many are just hurting. . .
Young people who lost their lives and left hurting loved ones behind. Please pray for them. Loved ones who are so empty after losing loved ones and their is no answer, pray for them as well. All the children without their fathers; pray for them. Love your families right now because life throws so many blows that are unexpected.

2006-10-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well, this is what brings a smile to my face -- my one and only granddaughter, Ciara. I miss her and wish she lived closer to us but am always glad to see pictures of her.
These days as I wrote before are full with trying to get in a better state of health.
A bit of an update is that I completed my 5th day of walking to work; I try to walk on T,W,Th and during the rest of the week Tom and I take a 30 minute walk in the afternoon when I get home. I have been taking my Blood Pressure Pills every single day. Now the sleeping let me tell you; I am taking those special pills on Friday and Saturday evenings and they really let me get about 6 good hours of sleep which I am very appreciative of. However, they kind of make me feel a bit too groggy to take them in the week when I have to work the next day. I like to be at the top of my game and I fear I would not be if I took them. So sleep is better but not great. So I will continue to work on that. I will return to see Dr. Sophia in a few weeks and I am sure my Blood Pressure will be better. However, I will keep trudging along and hope to be a healthier person.
I continue to be amazed at how much I still miss my dad. This morning on the way to work my friend and I were talking about things and all of a sudden I said "when my mom passes" and I just sobbed uncontrolably at the throught" it really came out of no where. It hurts so bad and it doesn't want to get better I guess. One of my bestest friends sent me this just last week and I want to end with it:

Here is the quote I was telling you about. It is from
a book titled "Raising Cole". It is written by Marc
Pittman
who lost his 21 year old son in an automobile accident.
He writes about his grief:

"How we handle pain determines whom we become.
For me there was only one approach: Meet the pain
head on. Don't duck it. Embrace it. Drown in it. Let
it smother you until you can smother it. Coping with
death, to me, is all about remembering love. I don't
worry about the pain. I'll worry if I ever stop feeling
the pain."

For me, that was powerful and beautifully expressed.
It gives me the freedom to embrace the pain and tears
and never wish them gone.
Love Always, Connie

I leave you with this and thank Connie for sharing it. . . . . .

2006-09-28T20:34:00.001-07:00

Fall Thoughts . . . .

I am going to try this post one last final time -- do you know this is effort number four.
September is almost over and October is upon us with witches, pumpkins, ghosts and candy. I always dread September but in a way when it is gone it leaves kind of a sadness in my heart. For the first time this year I received a birthday card signed Love Always Mom; you see last year she didn't send one at my request but she did this year and it still feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart. I know it must be hard for mom too.
Several weeks ago I was feeling so wiped out and really feeling alot like how much more of this can I take. It has been over a year and NO it didn't get better and in some respects it has gotten worse. Your not in this fog anymore you are in reality that it is indeed real. Thank goodness I have friends that know it doesn't get better that it is still ok to cry to offset those who think "My God isn't she ever going to be better; after all its been a year."
Well, after over a year of non sleeping, uncontrolled blood pressue, non exercise and just plain not feeling better I decided no more it was time to improve my person so I made an appt. with my Physician to get a better start. Of course I have made this appt. a lot of times (at least 10) over the past year but this time I actually kept the appointment. I spoke to her honestly and we both cried (yes the Physcian cried too) and then we made some decisions.
I am going to fight the blood pressure with better eating choices and taking my medication on a regular basis not a hit and miss basis. I am going to try to walk at least once a day for 30 minutes and maybe even twice. Yesterday I walked to work (about 2 miles) and although there were moments I wondered I made it. I believe my dad was on my shoulder encouraging me). Sleep which is a big issue -- only about 3 to 4 hours per night. I attribute that to spending the last two weeks of my dad's like 24/7 next to his hospital bed as he screamed in pain and finally our move to Hospice Care where he died in my arms. I remember his eyes popping wide open and looking at me and my eldest daughter running to get the nurse to save him and he drew his last breadth. Unlike the dream I want to have of him healthy and happy and talking to me I only see the end and so I don't sleep well. Although Doctor Sophia believes by using a sleeping aid for a month or so it could get me in a regular sleep pattern again. I disagree but I am going to try so keep your fingers crossed.
My dad would want good health for me; he would not even hope for peace and no sadness because he knows that would not happen.
So as September leaves and October begins hopefully lifechanges will begin.

2006-09-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

September Days

Well Fall is in the air . . . . . Kids are off to school, I am back at work full time, and my birthday is just around the corner again. It just seems as if the days won't slow down even though I cry out for them to slow down.

Since my last blog Cathy lost her "Sweet Lou" and so many of the children I follow on Cambridge have gotten their angel wings. Kari is still missing her Kevin and Michelle her Dave and Cheri her Fred and the list goes on. One of the teachers in our immediate area has a wife with brain cancer and it is looking bleak and he won't return in the Fall to teach and he says to me "I don't know what Winter is going to bring; I don't know where I am going to be; I don't know if she will be with me." How very sad and what do you respond "nothing" because in my heart I know that Winter is not going to bring good things for him; the road isn't going to get easier and he may be alone and join Kari, Michelle, Cathy, Cheri and all the others who miss their partner so very much.

I miss my own dad so much in September; the month of my birth. Last year it was still such an open wound that I told my mom "I have called off my birthday don't send a card or anything." She was so good and respected my wishes. I could not bear to get a birthday card signed "Love Mom." This year I thought it would be better but as we began September I immediately told mom "don't send a card, don't send anything." It's been just over a year but for some reason I still can't imagine seeing a birthday card with "Love Mom." I still want it to say "Love Mom and Dad" and it never will. Even though the last 7 years of his life we were seperated by miles and miles he always stayed up till midnight and called my work phone so when I got to work the first message was from him say "happy birthday baby girl" even though I am 40 plus. There was always a email from him telling me for the 40 plus time about the night I was born anad how proud he was to have a daughter and how proud he still was of me. Then he always called before I went to bed that night so he was the last one to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday will come again on the 23rd of this September and next September and then the next but it will never be the same; never ever.

So Fall is here again . . . . . .enjoy what use to be my favorite season of the year.

2006-08-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

Prayers

*****URGENT UPDATE******************************************************************
Down below I talk about Cathy and Lou who are walking this journey as I wrote this. However, I have learned today Lou is nearing the end so please pray hard for peace for Lou for Cathy for their two boys and all their family and friends.
************************************************************************************

Well, during this last year one thing that has gotten me through these lonely days without my dad is my connection to Cambridge Families that I don't even know. I was connected to Cambridge through Michelle Meyer's website for her husband Dave. Since starting to read these journals and actually following these families I have become connected to these real people. So many of these families are really hurting right now and need prayer and so if you read this journal I ask you to take a moment and pray with your whole heart and soul for these families . . . .

Kari Terry is a young woman who three months ago lost her young husband and father to her four children. She now walks a path by herself with no companion. She writes about how terribly lonely she is, how she misses her partner. Her youngest celebrates his bithday this past weekend and turned 7 and now is fatherless. She struggles everyday with lonliness. Please pray for her and if you have time please visit her website and leave her encouragement she needs it.
www.caringbridge.org/mn/kevinterry/

Cathy Burres currently is walking the road of brain tumor with her dear husband Lou. She lives with Lou and supports her two sons as she knows what lies ahead. She knows that Lou is not getting better she knows he isn't going to survive. She also knows she has to have the strength to get through this. Some days she doesn't know if she can get through another day. Please pray for strength for her, please pray for peace for Lou, please pray for their sons, please just pray for them.
Click Here: Check out "Lessons from Lou"
http://lessonsfromlou.blogspot.com

I followed little Jacob Duckworth a young child, one of a set of triplets died from cancer and on that same day another family lost there young son WIll to cancer as well. Both of those families have to just get up and keep going because they have other children to take care of. Pray for these families because they need your prayer.

Back severl months ago Cheri Schuppert lost her husband and in that same week another young woman lost her husband John and a mother lost her 23 year old son Eric. All of this happened in one week. All from cancer. All too early.

This week Michelle Meyer and her three children remembered their husband/father who left them one year ago. If Michelle had not lost more than she needed when 17 years ago her and Dave lost their first born son Kyle she then lived through Dave's illness and later lost him. She is now lonely and left to raise their three beautiful children. The only thing I can think is that Kyle really needed his Dad. I can't believe there was anyother reason to take Dave. Pray for Michelle, Kenny, Zack and Kate.

I could not be complete without mentioning my mom, who lost her soul mate, my father on May 5, 05. She is lost, lonely and has every feeling each of these people I mentioned feel. Although she had a much longer life with him she still feels so empty. I spoke with my father every night and now I can't not the way I am use to. When I had problems or needed answers I still went to my dad and now I can't and it aches. People said it would get better after a year -- it didn't and it doesn't I just miss him more. Please pray for my mom

So I guess my reason for writing on this topic is that there are so many people who are hurting, so many people who need prayers, so much pain. Although I feel like I am the only one missing my dad so much there are so many other people hurting. If you know someone who has lost someone please remember to pray for them, please remember to care about them and please don't forget to remember they hurt no matter if it has been 1 day or 19 years because that kind of hurt doesn't go away . . . . . . never ever!

Besides Praying Kenny Meyers collects ink cartridges to send off and all the proceeds are going to fight CANCER. So particpate in this process and fight this deadly disease that takes many more people than I know of or you know of. Save the pain so many have felt.

2006-08-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

SLEEP

I know it sounds like a silly topic but it is a word I have started to treasure when it happens. I thought of it today because last night was one of the first nights in months I have actually slept through the night and woke up rested. Of course woke up at 4:00 a.m. for the day but slept from 11:00 p.m. till then. It was the most straight through sleep in a long time. My typical sleep is to bed about 10:30 up at 1 back down at 2 sleep till 4 back up till 5 and sleep till 6:15 or so and RUSH like crazy to get ready for work. Night time brings such horrible memories and dreams for me. Sometimes I wake up thinking my dad is right in the other room and I get up looking for him and he isn't there and I just cry. I sometimes wonder if that feeling or those thoughts will ever go away or are they here for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wake up just shaking to think it isn't Tom next to me but my dad and I need to make sure he is still breathing and he hasn't left us. I have a beautiful portrait and certificate we received after he died from Washington D.C. for his service to the country hung on the front room wall and sometimes at night I just go and stare at it and wonder why this all happened. I always thought night time was to be peaceful and restful and now nighttime is my most dreaded time. I think that is why I try to keep my family doing things and hate when people start wanting to go to bed . . . .Maybe peace will come again in the night for me.

2006-08-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

"Once in a while you find someone who makes such a difference in your life that to call that person a friend is not enough. That person is family and that is what you are to me"

I looked at my blog this morning and thought boy I need to update this badly but right now I don't have the energy or the mind set to do it. Then I had lunch with my friend Connie who is/has been there hand in hand with me during this year of "grief." Connie lost her mother about 1.5 months after I lost my father and although we were acquaintances we became "sisters" through this process and I so enjoy every moment and time we have to share.

Today we talked alot about this first year of loss and transitioning into what was described to us by others "as worse than the first year." I don't know how many people told us after you get through these "firsts" everything gets better. Then we had people tell us "the second year is worse" and Connie and I both agreed today that the second year is indeed worse. It is hard to describe but it is like well we made it through in this fog and disbelief state and now the first year is over and bam it hits you smack in the face that they are never returning. The fog is lifted and the reality has set in.

Connie talked about having someone call and talk about how they were leaving on a family vacation with all their kids and how they were so looking forward to it and really to Connie it was with such disregard to how she was really feeling "I want to be going to the beach with my mom." Just like when I returned from Phoenix "I bet it was the greatest time." Well yes there were great moments but there was also so many sad moments, so many sad memories, and sad goodbys. So Connie and I talked alot about those things today and I feel so priviledged that I have someone to share those feelings with . . . someone to walk that path with.

We talked about Michelle Meyer and others that we have become familiar with because of Michelle's website that have that "1st Anniversary" right around the corner. How awful a reality it will be for them when it doesn't get better. Some of those mother's lost their spouses and now raise children that they have too support emotionally. Connie's own mother at 34 raised five little girls all by herself. Woman and Men like this are heros is our book.

So this brief blog is to thank the woman that walked and continues to walk by my side as we travel through this journey we didn't chose but was choosen for us. Much love and thoughts to those who walk this road too; although we don't always meet, Connie and I think of you and know what you are experiencing.

2006-08-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

REASONS TO SMILE . . . .

Although, there is so much heartache left from the death of my father it is also hard not to smile when thinking of our first born grandchild, Ciara. I was so happy to get some real quality time with her. She brings much happiness to me, to her greatgrandma, her aunt and her mom. My father was a "girls" guy; nothing made him more proud than his girls. I remember in November 05 when Morgan and I flew to Phoenix for a week (Heather was already there going to nursing school) and he took us out to this very expensive steak house and he made a toast "to all my favorite girls." He was in the best minutes of his life when he was surrounded by all of us. Both times I got pregnant he wanted nothing but "girls." I think he would have loved them even if they were boys but to hear him talk, I don't know. So I know that he is now smiling down on his greatgranddaughter Ciara who adds to his favorite girls. Many times in the past two weeks when we were in Phoenix my mother would pass by his ashes and say "you would love to be here" and indeed he would have. So blessing to God for sending us yet another generation of "girls" for my dad.

2006-07-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

Another Trip Home . . . . . . .
My second trip home since my dad left us in body. It just doesn't seem to get any easier and in some respects it just gets harder. My father made a beautiful home on the golf course and spent hours and hours in the yard and house and now my mother isn't able to keep everything up herself and so my father's beautiful yard is dying and mom is having things taken out to limit the upkeep. I don't blame mom because she has to make things easier for herself but it just breaks my heart.

Sometimes I think that when I return home things will be better; things will have changed and perhaps maybe Dad will be there even though I know he won't. It is hard from the moment we step off the plane and he isn't at the gate to meet us and tell us how much he loves us, he isn't at the house in body when we arrive, he isn't in the sunroom when we wake up to greet us and he isn't there to let Morgan drive the golf cart. He is absent. He is missing. He is missed.

However, for me being able to come in and greet his ashes in there container is a blessing. I always greet him with a kiss and when I depart I always say goodby and give him a kiss. When i do my mother's "honey do" list for 11 days makes me feel my father's great spirit. He loved taking care of my mother and she misses that so those few days I am able to take his place makes my heart happy. I have painted, cleaned ovens, changed light bulbs, cleaned skylights, covered shelves in contact paper, soaked fruit trees, picked up old fruit, straighted out telephone bills, and the list goes on and in most cases I might have returned home tired but I feel like it is the only bit of time I can give to my mother ever 6 months that she can feel taken care of and loved like only my dad could love her.

Leaving this morning is heartwrenching for me. I spent the whole trip home in tears . . . . I hate leaving my mother, I hate leaving the home that carries the spirit of my father and it just reminds me so much what we lost. I have to say we have mentioned lots of good things this year . . . a new granddaughter which we couldn't love more, a new son in law and of course our eldest daughter who has made us proud in her new role as mother and wife. However, all the good doesn't make what we lost better it just makes us wish "our hero" was around to witness his great grandaughter and his new grandson in law but life goes on and another day begins to end . . . . .

2006-07-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

Good Memories

This reminds me of good times with my father . . . . . .This was taken on a trip that we took to the beach with Mom, Dad, both girls and Tom and I. We all had such fun and it was always important for my father to experience all he could with his two granddaughters, his son, his daughter and his wife. He was a true family man.

My mom made me a beautiful album of pictures of my dad when he was young, middle age and old, pictues of him and my mom, pictures of us as a young family, pictues of dad and his granddaughters. It is a beautiful picture album that I will treasure for the rest of my life but for now it remains mostly unopened because it makes tears flow too easily. . . . . .

A FATHER MEANS...
A Father means so many things...
A understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he's a man like you...

2006-07-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

Time For Another Walk Down Memory Lane . . . . .

This Friday, 7/14, my youngest daughter and I head to Sun City, AZ to visit my mother, my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter. This will be my second trip to visit and stay with my mom without my father being there. This trip like the last will be very emotional filled. The anticipation of the trip is always with mixed emotion. The first time I walk in the house after embracing my mother is a trip to the Arizona Room where my father's ashes lay on a table surrounded by photos, candles and angels. It really is a beautiful area my mother has created however, it is always an emotional visit. I would rather walk into the Arizona Room and be greeted by my best friend, my father. Most of the time I am at peace in the house because I feel his presence so strongly there. I enjoyed visiting so much when my father lived there. He created a beautiful house and yard there and we had so many good memories and times in that house. Even though I still love the house and enjoy the visits something is missing -- there is an emptiness -- a uncomplete visit. On the other hand when I am there I feel totally surrounded by his love and peace. This trip will be different, my youngest daughter Morgan will come with me. We had no service for my father when he passed away so Morgan and Tom didn't come to Arizona when he died, this will be the first time she won't have her "Grandpa Lou." I don't know how it will feel for her, I don't know what emotions will fill her heart and body. He has always been there when she stepped off the plane and he wrapped his arms around her. She loved him more than life and "Grandpa Lou" could never get his fill of either of his granddaughters.. So I come to you asking for prayers as I begin this journey on Friday. I am ever thankful that my friend Connie, who has grieved with me this year, will be the one that sends me off on the plane to begin yet another journey. . . . . . . . . .

2006-07-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Friends We Didn't Even Know We Had . . . . . .

I got the sweetest email today from Cathy from Chicago, Ill. I started visiting "Lessons For Lou" about a month ago after getting the link from Michelle Meyers Website. I guess I was curious more than anything because my father's name was "Lou" and I fell in love with the entries Cathy wrote about her beloved Lou. Soon I started getting emails from Cathy and today even a picture. I learned Cathy had lost her father shortly before my own father and she too was best friends with her father and she too calls her mother who lives a long way away each and every night. I find myself delighted when an email comes in from Cathy especially knowing she has her hands busy with her family and her special Lou. Thanks for being my friend Cathy.

I have found a friend in Michelle Meyer through her caringbridge site for her beloved Dave. I barely knew Michelle when this was all happening to Michelle and then one day at work shortly after my father passed away an email came out telling us Dave had passed away and feel free to visit the website to get more details. I remember spending hours reading through Michelle's journal and I kept reading it on a daily basis and praying for her family. I feel very connected now to Michelle and when the first anniversary of my father's death came around I was away from my office and when I came back here was a wonderful card and a stone with the words "Hope" on it from my new friend Michelle. I feel priviledged when we meet and embrace no words have to be exchanged.

I met someone I knew as an acquaintance before through Michelle's website, Kathie Farrens. Now Kathie doesn't work too often in the bookstore and I wish she did. We find ourselves emailing often. I learned of Kathie's loss of her mother and father and Kathie's rememberances of my own parents when they lived in Walla Walla. It is wonderful to have Kathie's emails and prayers.

Connie Loomer as become as Michelle calls it "the one who is always there" I lost my father in May and Connie lost her mother in June. We have supported each other through this past year through sorrow and survival. When I need someone she is always there and when she needs someone I am there for her. I can't even describe in words what Connie has meant to me. I really believe and Connie believes it to that God brought us together.

Caringbridge has become my friend. It has given me the opportunity to pray for people I don't even know. So many have lost their spouses and children and it has been a priviledge and honor to grieve with them even if it is from a distance. I am so glad to support caringbridge families. It has helped my own grieving proces.

Life is full of surprises and these new friends have been some of the best surprises. Thank you all.

2006-07-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

New Perspective --

Boy tonight was one of those moments that before my father died I would not have thought twice about. I call my mother who lives in Phoenix every night now since my father died. I don't know if I do that for her or if it is for me because I need to be reassured that she is still there by hearing her voice. Anyway, I called her several times yesterday and got no answer and because we had company till late didn't think twice about it. However, tonight I called and called and called and kept getting that busy signal. My heart raced thinking of all the horrible things that could happen and realized I had no phone number of neighbors. Tom said we need to call the police down there and have them go to the house and check on her and my heart sank even though I knew he was right. I emailed my brother in San Francisco hoping he had some answers but it seems he had been trying to call her with no luck and he was worried. In the mean time my mom calls from her cell phone and says "you don't call me any more?" Was I relieved to hear her voice. She didn't even realize her phone was out of service. Life gives you a new perspctive when you lose the "Protector of Your Family." He was everything to us but he always protected us and took care of us. I miss him always but I always knew he took care of my mother and now ...................

2006-07-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

Why Do Things Happen???

Somedays I have to wonder why things happen the way they do. A young girl in Morgan's class was traveling in Mexico when a terrible car accident took the life of her dear father, her loving aunt and uncle and has left her clinging to her life at 14. The lord spared her mother only because she was traveling with her own father but oh how she must be saying "Why Lord, Why Me?" I can't help but ask that question as well. How will this woman survive and what does she have to look forward to?
All these questions. My daughter Morgan says why to me and I have no answer. . . . .

2006-06-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I have had a hard time getting this whole thing up and going but I hope I am getting it.

What my goal is for this blog is a place that I can use for journaling. It has been a whole year since losing my dear father to multiple melenoma. He had not been feeling well for about six months but no doctor, and he went to many, were able to find anything wrong with him. He took every pain medication they would give to him to help relieve his terrible pain. However no one knew what was causing the pain. Then in late March they found the "cancer" and from that point it was all down hill and he left to be with "jesus" on Mayh 4, 2005.

Since that day life has changed. Life has changed for my mom who is without her spouse after 52 years and she is so lonely. Life has changed for his two granddaughters who he dotted on and life has certainly changed for my brother and I. My brother tends to bottle it all up and not speak of it -- like it never happened. Me on the other hand I have been crying for one year and it doesn't seem to get better. I don't know if it will get better.

However, I guess life insists we continue to live so live we will do but in a different way for sure.