My Thoughts . . . . . .

Summer is here and it is usually the time I get on a plane and fly off to the sun of Arizona to visit my granddaughter and so my heart is sad because I am not doing that this summer. We are waiting to go till Christmas and then we can all go and stay two weeks. I posted a picture of Dora because my granddaugher (18 months) believes she is Dora's sister so it always reminds me of her.

This past weekend was our local "Relay For Life." Wow it was emotional. I didn't do that last year because it was so raw I couldn't force myself. I did it this year only because the pieces fell into place. I thought about volunteering but I didn't it was easier on the Anniversary of my Dad's Death to write the usual check to Hospice for $100 -- denial is what it is called. Then it was "well I should get him a luminar?" Well, till a week before it never happened and I was out at a yardsale of all places and this lady was selling them right there and Tom said "look you can get it now" and so I was kind of forced into it and then as I began to decorate it right there on the spot tears flowed and flowed and thank god for this special woman who wrapped her arms around me and let me know it was all ok she knew what I was experiencing. I thought about that moment alot and thought two years later and the emotion and the feelings are like it was that very day. I for the first time let myself feel "ok" for feeling that way. I was so very close to my father; we called each other "best friends." Although in latter years there was many miles between us we talked on the phone each day and emailed each other each day. Many times he would be in the car waiting for my mom to get her hair cut or in the store for a minute and he would pick up his cell phone and just call. Sometimes I was so busy but I am grateful today I never rushed him of the phone. Anyway, I got off track here: Then the luminar was purchased and so the day came for the event and Tom worked all day and so Morgan and I got in the car about 7 to head down that way and we got there and the cars were packed in so I drove right by and I remember Morgan saying "I thought we were going?" and I quickly told her "NO, I just wanted to look." Tom came home at 8 and he said "Let's go" and so he got me to get going and I kept telling him "there is too many cars" but low and behold he found a spot right up close so we went. It was the most amazing thing even though very very emotional so I am grateful we went. We listened to music, we read each and every luminary, we prayed by my Dad's luminary, we cried together, we walked together and laughed together as we remembered funny stories about Dad and we didn't leave till nearly 11 p.m. which is very late for us. My dad never had a service (at his request) so it was kind of like our "service" together as a family (minus our older daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law). For something I worked so hard to avoid -- it was good, it was really good. Next year I won't avoid it, I will embrace it with my whole being.

Sue