Fall Thoughts . . . .

I am going to try this post one last final time -- do you know this is effort number four.
September is almost over and October is upon us with witches, pumpkins, ghosts and candy. I always dread September but in a way when it is gone it leaves kind of a sadness in my heart. For the first time this year I received a birthday card signed Love Always Mom; you see last year she didn't send one at my request but she did this year and it still feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart. I know it must be hard for mom too.
Several weeks ago I was feeling so wiped out and really feeling alot like how much more of this can I take. It has been over a year and NO it didn't get better and in some respects it has gotten worse. Your not in this fog anymore you are in reality that it is indeed real. Thank goodness I have friends that know it doesn't get better that it is still ok to cry to offset those who think "My God isn't she ever going to be better; after all its been a year."
Well, after over a year of non sleeping, uncontrolled blood pressue, non exercise and just plain not feeling better I decided no more it was time to improve my person so I made an appt. with my Physician to get a better start. Of course I have made this appt. a lot of times (at least 10) over the past year but this time I actually kept the appointment. I spoke to her honestly and we both cried (yes the Physcian cried too) and then we made some decisions.
I am going to fight the blood pressure with better eating choices and taking my medication on a regular basis not a hit and miss basis. I am going to try to walk at least once a day for 30 minutes and maybe even twice. Yesterday I walked to work (about 2 miles) and although there were moments I wondered I made it. I believe my dad was on my shoulder encouraging me). Sleep which is a big issue -- only about 3 to 4 hours per night. I attribute that to spending the last two weeks of my dad's like 24/7 next to his hospital bed as he screamed in pain and finally our move to Hospice Care where he died in my arms. I remember his eyes popping wide open and looking at me and my eldest daughter running to get the nurse to save him and he drew his last breadth. Unlike the dream I want to have of him healthy and happy and talking to me I only see the end and so I don't sleep well. Although Doctor Sophia believes by using a sleeping aid for a month or so it could get me in a regular sleep pattern again. I disagree but I am going to try so keep your fingers crossed.
My dad would want good health for me; he would not even hope for peace and no sadness because he knows that would not happen.
So as September leaves and October begins hopefully lifechanges will begin.

September Days

Well Fall is in the air . . . . . Kids are off to school, I am back at work full time, and my birthday is just around the corner again. It just seems as if the days won't slow down even though I cry out for them to slow down.

Since my last blog Cathy lost her "Sweet Lou" and so many of the children I follow on Cambridge have gotten their angel wings. Kari is still missing her Kevin and Michelle her Dave and Cheri her Fred and the list goes on. One of the teachers in our immediate area has a wife with brain cancer and it is looking bleak and he won't return in the Fall to teach and he says to me "I don't know what Winter is going to bring; I don't know where I am going to be; I don't know if she will be with me." How very sad and what do you respond "nothing" because in my heart I know that Winter is not going to bring good things for him; the road isn't going to get easier and he may be alone and join Kari, Michelle, Cathy, Cheri and all the others who miss their partner so very much.

I miss my own dad so much in September; the month of my birth. Last year it was still such an open wound that I told my mom "I have called off my birthday don't send a card or anything." She was so good and respected my wishes. I could not bear to get a birthday card signed "Love Mom." This year I thought it would be better but as we began September I immediately told mom "don't send a card, don't send anything." It's been just over a year but for some reason I still can't imagine seeing a birthday card with "Love Mom." I still want it to say "Love Mom and Dad" and it never will. Even though the last 7 years of his life we were seperated by miles and miles he always stayed up till midnight and called my work phone so when I got to work the first message was from him say "happy birthday baby girl" even though I am 40 plus. There was always a email from him telling me for the 40 plus time about the night I was born anad how proud he was to have a daughter and how proud he still was of me. Then he always called before I went to bed that night so he was the last one to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday will come again on the 23rd of this September and next September and then the next but it will never be the same; never ever.

So Fall is here again . . . . . .enjoy what use to be my favorite season of the year.