Happy Holidays

Well Thanksgiving is over and my how time flys. In just a few days my family and I will board a plane and head to sunny Arizona to spent Christmas with my family. Although my heart is sad that dad won't be there my heart has grown to know that he just isn't there. Does that make sense; you see even though I have made this journey many times before it was different I always had this hope, this belief, this feeling that maybe he would be there but now it is knowing he just won't be there. The saddness doesn't rip my heart out anymore; it doesn't mean I miss him any less it just means I am beyond that total devestation. I am looking forward to this Christmas as it is the first time in 17 years that my whole family will be together; Mother, oldest daughter and her family, my brother and sister in law and my husband and youngest daughter. Yes, we will miss Dad but we will be celebrating the love of the season and our family as it is now. Happy Holidays to all.

It's September -- It's My Birthday

Well it is the month I dread the most; my birthday is Sunday! Why do I dread it is because for me it is a stinging reminder that Dad is gone just in case I didn't remember. My sweet husband is always good at saying "so what do you want to do this year." Well the first year I didn't want to do anything but cry and he was pretty good in letting me do just that, last year I wanted to have a full blown party thrown by me and it was great and so this year the same question and my answer "just be a family." Well it pretty much got changed by my friend Susan who thinks we should at least have dinner so we are going to do that.

While contemplating the impending day I thought of childhood memories and thought about my parents who always had great gifts but always made us choose a organization for them to donate some money in our name to for one of our birthday gifts. As children my brother and I always thought it was a bit corney but hay we still got our gifts so it was an ok thing to do. It is funny because all these years later I continue to donate to something of great cause on or around my birthday. I think back at that and thing what a great way to make sure your children know what is important in life.

This year I will be donating to Josh a little boy who is so sick. His family has been left without a home due to a storm, Josh who requires alot of medical bills and issues and Josh's grandma who is very very sick with cancer. This family needs our prayers and our available money. SO because of what my parents taught us so many years ago I will assist a young boy in prayer and a gift how much more could I want for my birthday.

Thank you mom and dad for a lesson well learned and passed down all these years later.

August begins tomorrow -- where did summer go . . . . Soon we will be leaving the hot days of summer and begin the cool days of Fall. I would hope to tell you that my heart is better and no longer aches for my dad, but I can't. It just seems that every time I turn around something just shouts his name out or someone looks like him or we see something and I can just see my family hold their breadth in hopes no one says anything, because they know by now it will start me crying and they don't want that. Some days I think they get sick of it and rightly so after all its been two years and everyone says it gets better, but bad news for me it hasn't and I don't think it will. My dear friend Connie is right there with me two years since her mother died and she feels the same way. I read blogs of others who have lost loved ones; friends like Chelle and Cathy who have lost spouses and they are still so sad and I think "they were their spouses Sue, it is harder for them you should be getting better" but I don't know why but I'm not. I am thankful for Connie who reminds me it is ok not to be better. I think maybe I should let my Cambridge/blog friends go and then I would heal faster, but I can't because somehow that makes it better -- it makes me feel ok to feel the way I do. I have found in the past two years I am able to get an incredibly amount of stuff done in a 24 hours period and I never sit down. My mother-in-law who just moved in across the street from us always says "how come you do so much in one day, why don't you just rest?" I am pretty sure after thinking about that it is because I am afraid to stop and think, it is best to keep busy. SO when I am not at work, producing Children's Theatre, working concessions almost every night of Cinderella or making freezer jam, my new hobby (I have made nearly 50 containers this month) I find something out constructive to keep my mind busy. So there you have it, another boring blog about how terribly I miss my dad. Of course as I said Fall is around the corner and my birthday is in September and he was the biggest Birthday Fan. He was the first to call on that day and the last to call on that day. I miss him more than words can say; after all he was my Best Friend.

Summer is here and it is usually the time I get on a plane and fly off to the sun of Arizona to visit my granddaughter and so my heart is sad because I am not doing that this summer. We are waiting to go till Christmas and then we can all go and stay two weeks. I posted a picture of Dora because my granddaugher (18 months) believes she is Dora's sister so it always reminds me of her.

This past weekend was our local "Relay For Life." Wow it was emotional. I didn't do that last year because it was so raw I couldn't force myself. I did it this year only because the pieces fell into place. I thought about volunteering but I didn't it was easier on the Anniversary of my Dad's Death to write the usual check to Hospice for $100 -- denial is what it is called. Then it was "well I should get him a luminar?" Well, till a week before it never happened and I was out at a yardsale of all places and this lady was selling them right there and Tom said "look you can get it now" and so I was kind of forced into it and then as I began to decorate it right there on the spot tears flowed and flowed and thank god for this special woman who wrapped her arms around me and let me know it was all ok she knew what I was experiencing. I thought about that moment alot and thought two years later and the emotion and the feelings are like it was that very day. I for the first time let myself feel "ok" for feeling that way. I was so very close to my father; we called each other "best friends." Although in latter years there was many miles between us we talked on the phone each day and emailed each other each day. Many times he would be in the car waiting for my mom to get her hair cut or in the store for a minute and he would pick up his cell phone and just call. Sometimes I was so busy but I am grateful today I never rushed him of the phone. Anyway, I got off track here: Then the luminar was purchased and so the day came for the event and Tom worked all day and so Morgan and I got in the car about 7 to head down that way and we got there and the cars were packed in so I drove right by and I remember Morgan saying "I thought we were going?" and I quickly told her "NO, I just wanted to look." Tom came home at 8 and he said "Let's go" and so he got me to get going and I kept telling him "there is too many cars" but low and behold he found a spot right up close so we went. It was the most amazing thing even though very very emotional so I am grateful we went. We listened to music, we read each and every luminary, we prayed by my Dad's luminary, we cried together, we walked together and laughed together as we remembered funny stories about Dad and we didn't leave till nearly 11 p.m. which is very late for us. My dad never had a service (at his request) so it was kind of like our "service" together as a family (minus our older daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law). For something I worked so hard to avoid -- it was good, it was really good. Next year I won't avoid it, I will embrace it with my whole being.

Sue

Well for me it is sad to think that a week from Friday will be May 4, 07 and two years since my dad left us. Even though I have not conciously thought of this it just is coming. It seems even sadder for me than the first year anniversary. I think after the first year it was still disbelief but now it has sunk in and he isn't coming back, our lives keep moving and he keeps missing so many things. I never wanted to lose him and I don't care if that sounds silly I didn't. I want him back. So somehow this getting easier stuff people mention is not correct; it is WRONG. So as the seasons change again we mark this event in our family. Yesterday we had to put our 15 year old dog Lucky to sleep. It was much harder than I could have ever imagined. I think it must be the season. I cried and cried and then cried some more and I keep saying "for pitty sake he is only your dog." He was our friend though and my dad would love to throw him cookies when he visited. So when I told my mom last night on the phone she said "I bet your dad is filling him up with cookies right now." I hope that is true.

Our youngest daughter will celebrate her "Sweet 16" May 5th. I can hardly imagine how time just flies.

As the season's change I hope you all find your lives in good places. Please continue to pray for all the children, young adults and adults who are suffering from cancer. It seems we lose many a day from this horrible disease. I pray one day there is a cure!

Anyone that reads this I would hope that you would keep this family in your prayers. My friend Kathie passed this along to me and as I read it I realized my oldest daughter was a few years behind Sarah in school at DeSales and knew here. We are praying with all our hearts for this young family. Please read Kathie's email below and Pray . . . . .

I am asking for prayers for a 4 month old baby who is in Portland with a brain tumor. I don't want to pass to much info. as I don't want to be incorrect. I am going to share CaringBridge with a close friend of the families tomorrow in hope they will start a site if there is not already one made.
Gail Danielson is the grandmother and she and her husband Don live here. Gail works for the school district in one way or another. Their daughter Sara is the mother she graduated from DeSales class of 98 or 99. Living now in Prineville Oregon.
Michelle, Sara and Liz (Cox) Stroe are best of friends they were maids of honor I believe in each others weddings. Liz has made three trips down to Portland already in the last week and a half. I talked to Liz yesterday and her car died while she was in Portland what kind of luck is that.
I will let you know if a Caringbridge site is set up.
I know they can use all the prayers they can receive. My understanding is they will start chemo tomorrow.

They are having the following fundraiser locally in Walla Walla if any readers are from here:

CHILI AND CHOWDER BENEFIT DINNER


Come help support our benefit dinner for Fredrick Jimenez. He is the son of Isaiah and Sarah ( Danielson ) Jimenez. At 5 months Fredrick has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has undergone surgery and medical procedures and will start cancer treatments. He is fighting for his life. He needs our prayers and they need our support. So please join us for a chili, chowder and pie feed this Thursday March 15th from 4-7 PM at St. Francis Parrish Hall.

Adults $6.00
Children 10 and under $4.00

If unable to attend dinner please fill free to stop by between 2-7 PM and help fill the fireman’s hats with your donations.

Thank you all so much for your support!

Well it is nice to report that our family will be back to normal again! Tom won his grievance and will return to day shift a week from tonight! Hip Hip Hooray. We had hope that things would improve regarding hours but never did we guess that his hours would return to the original day hours but they have!
Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts during this rough time.

I am continuing to walk to work and work through some of my own issues which is always good.

Keep my friend Connie in your prayers she has just lost her Aunt; her Uncle died just two weeks ago so this is all really hard for her. So many little ones on cambridge are dying and families are struggling keep them close to heart. So many people hurting. My friend Cathy from Chicago struggles each day with the loss of her sweet Lou just 6 months ago. Pray for her too!

I have discovered a website through her nephews website of a young woman in the Luteran Church that is doing her internship to become a minister. She shares wonderful wonderful things and gives me hope so please keep her in your prayers as she continues her ministry work and visit her site: http://laurathevicar.blogspot.com/

Well Feb. is about over and March is right ahead of us . . . . .
Feb began horrible for us at the Clark household. The first Friday of Feb. we went to check on Tom's mom and found her in bed and we could not wake her. After a trip by ambulance to the hospital it was discovered she had a heart attack. She spent two weeks in the hospital recovering and now is back at home with a lot of home health, meals on wheels and lots of attention by us. We are pretty much worn out.
Many of you know that Tom has been working at the college for 25 years and the past 16 of them on Day Shift and then with no warning in August his boss changed him to
11 p.m. to 7:30 am. shift. This was devastating to us and Tom became an emotional and physical wreck and ended up taking two months of medical leave. So in mid Nov. he went back to work and started nights however, he continued to fight through the grievance process. Today we got word that he is to meet with his union rep, the VP of facilities and the HR person at 7:00 a.m. and the word is he is going to be returned to his day shift. The Union person has been assured this is what it is all about. We are praying, hoping, keeping the faith that this is indeed the end to this mess. So as you can see we are looking forward to a great end of Feb.
My walking has slowed down, way down, but I am still struggling walking in to work (2 miles) once a week. I am hoping to continue that as we go back to new hours in our house and transportation to school.
I still suffer from missing my dad with all my heart and soul, I still don't sleep well but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. I have so many friends just struggling and I am grateful to be able to join hands with them and know we will survive because we are survivors.

Well, it seems time just flys and you don't even realize it!

Not much to report. Still walking and trying to get a bit more healthy, but as most things that to has slowed down. I think it is the cold and gloomy weather that does that; at least I hope that is the case.

It seems that sad things just keep happening. My good friend Connie lost her Uncle who was her mother's brother. It just dug up bad bad memories for Connie. My mother in law had a heart attack which will increase her need for Assisted Living; losing her independence is hard. My Aunt is in her last days of cancer; they have called in Hospice and she is not taking any more treatments. My friend Michelle is in turmoil and need prayers. My friend Cathy is struggling with her own grief over the loss of her dear sweet Lou. Sometimes all this just makes your head spin and you wonder "where can I jump off." However, somehow with the grace of God we survive.

Hopefully Spring is just around the corner!

Happy New Year!

A New Year has dawned and this little face, our granddaughter, is what makes us know that life and families continue on. My father would have been so excited and proud to have this little girl around -- to bad he didn't live to see her.

Well, the holidays are over and it was nice. We spent time with family and friends and spent time away from work. However, then it hits you and you have to get back with it. I found it really hard to get back into my regular schedule again but I did.

Tomorrow I am going to head to work on foot again since my excerise this past month has been substituted with feeling sorry for myself, eating all the foods I stopped eating for months and just doing nothing. So as hard as it will be it will be good to get into a routine again. Routine that is what makes me feel better.

Please keep all my friends and family who have lost loved ones close to your hearts as they begin a new year hopefully filled with good memories and new adventure.