Another Trip Home . . . . . . .
My second trip home since my dad left us in body. It just doesn't seem to get any easier and in some respects it just gets harder. My father made a beautiful home on the golf course and spent hours and hours in the yard and house and now my mother isn't able to keep everything up herself and so my father's beautiful yard is dying and mom is having things taken out to limit the upkeep. I don't blame mom because she has to make things easier for herself but it just breaks my heart.

Sometimes I think that when I return home things will be better; things will have changed and perhaps maybe Dad will be there even though I know he won't. It is hard from the moment we step off the plane and he isn't at the gate to meet us and tell us how much he loves us, he isn't at the house in body when we arrive, he isn't in the sunroom when we wake up to greet us and he isn't there to let Morgan drive the golf cart. He is absent. He is missing. He is missed.

However, for me being able to come in and greet his ashes in there container is a blessing. I always greet him with a kiss and when I depart I always say goodby and give him a kiss. When i do my mother's "honey do" list for 11 days makes me feel my father's great spirit. He loved taking care of my mother and she misses that so those few days I am able to take his place makes my heart happy. I have painted, cleaned ovens, changed light bulbs, cleaned skylights, covered shelves in contact paper, soaked fruit trees, picked up old fruit, straighted out telephone bills, and the list goes on and in most cases I might have returned home tired but I feel like it is the only bit of time I can give to my mother ever 6 months that she can feel taken care of and loved like only my dad could love her.

Leaving this morning is heartwrenching for me. I spent the whole trip home in tears . . . . I hate leaving my mother, I hate leaving the home that carries the spirit of my father and it just reminds me so much what we lost. I have to say we have mentioned lots of good things this year . . . a new granddaughter which we couldn't love more, a new son in law and of course our eldest daughter who has made us proud in her new role as mother and wife. However, all the good doesn't make what we lost better it just makes us wish "our hero" was around to witness his great grandaughter and his new grandson in law but life goes on and another day begins to end . . . . .

Good Memories



This reminds me of good times with my father . . . . . .This was taken on a trip that we took to the beach with Mom, Dad, both girls and Tom and I. We all had such fun and it was always important for my father to experience all he could with his two granddaughters, his son, his daughter and his wife. He was a true family man.

My mom made me a beautiful album of pictures of my dad when he was young, middle age and old, pictues of him and my mom, pictures of us as a young family, pictues of dad and his granddaughters. It is a beautiful picture album that I will treasure for the rest of my life but for now it remains mostly unopened because it makes tears flow too easily. . . . . .

A FATHER MEANS...
A Father means so many things...
A understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he's a man like you...

Time For Another Walk Down Memory Lane . . . . .

This Friday, 7/14, my youngest daughter and I head to Sun City, AZ to visit my mother, my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter. This will be my second trip to visit and stay with my mom without my father being there. This trip like the last will be very emotional filled. The anticipation of the trip is always with mixed emotion. The first time I walk in the house after embracing my mother is a trip to the Arizona Room where my father's ashes lay on a table surrounded by photos, candles and angels. It really is a beautiful area my mother has created however, it is always an emotional visit. I would rather walk into the Arizona Room and be greeted by my best friend, my father. Most of the time I am at peace in the house because I feel his presence so strongly there. I enjoyed visiting so much when my father lived there. He created a beautiful house and yard there and we had so many good memories and times in that house. Even though I still love the house and enjoy the visits something is missing -- there is an emptiness -- a uncomplete visit. On the other hand when I am there I feel totally surrounded by his love and peace. This trip will be different, my youngest daughter Morgan will come with me. We had no service for my father when he passed away so Morgan and Tom didn't come to Arizona when he died, this will be the first time she won't have her "Grandpa Lou." I don't know how it will feel for her, I don't know what emotions will fill her heart and body. He has always been there when she stepped off the plane and he wrapped his arms around her. She loved him more than life and "Grandpa Lou" could never get his fill of either of his granddaughters.. So I come to you asking for prayers as I begin this journey on Friday. I am ever thankful that my friend Connie, who has grieved with me this year, will be the one that sends me off on the plane to begin yet another journey. . . . . . . . . .

Friends We Didn't Even Know We Had . . . . . .

I got the sweetest email today from Cathy from Chicago, Ill. I started visiting "Lessons For Lou" about a month ago after getting the link from Michelle Meyers Website. I guess I was curious more than anything because my father's name was "Lou" and I fell in love with the entries Cathy wrote about her beloved Lou. Soon I started getting emails from Cathy and today even a picture. I learned Cathy had lost her father shortly before my own father and she too was best friends with her father and she too calls her mother who lives a long way away each and every night. I find myself delighted when an email comes in from Cathy especially knowing she has her hands busy with her family and her special Lou. Thanks for being my friend Cathy.

I have found a friend in Michelle Meyer through her caringbridge site for her beloved Dave. I barely knew Michelle when this was all happening to Michelle and then one day at work shortly after my father passed away an email came out telling us Dave had passed away and feel free to visit the website to get more details. I remember spending hours reading through Michelle's journal and I kept reading it on a daily basis and praying for her family. I feel very connected now to Michelle and when the first anniversary of my father's death came around I was away from my office and when I came back here was a wonderful card and a stone with the words "Hope" on it from my new friend Michelle. I feel priviledged when we meet and embrace no words have to be exchanged.

I met someone I knew as an acquaintance before through Michelle's website, Kathie Farrens. Now Kathie doesn't work too often in the bookstore and I wish she did. We find ourselves emailing often. I learned of Kathie's loss of her mother and father and Kathie's rememberances of my own parents when they lived in Walla Walla. It is wonderful to have Kathie's emails and prayers.

Connie Loomer as become as Michelle calls it "the one who is always there" I lost my father in May and Connie lost her mother in June. We have supported each other through this past year through sorrow and survival. When I need someone she is always there and when she needs someone I am there for her. I can't even describe in words what Connie has meant to me. I really believe and Connie believes it to that God brought us together.

Caringbridge has become my friend. It has given me the opportunity to pray for people I don't even know. So many have lost their spouses and children and it has been a priviledge and honor to grieve with them even if it is from a distance. I am so glad to support caringbridge families. It has helped my own grieving proces.

Life is full of surprises and these new friends have been some of the best surprises. Thank you all.

New Perspective --

Boy tonight was one of those moments that before my father died I would not have thought twice about. I call my mother who lives in Phoenix every night now since my father died. I don't know if I do that for her or if it is for me because I need to be reassured that she is still there by hearing her voice. Anyway, I called her several times yesterday and got no answer and because we had company till late didn't think twice about it. However, tonight I called and called and called and kept getting that busy signal. My heart raced thinking of all the horrible things that could happen and realized I had no phone number of neighbors. Tom said we need to call the police down there and have them go to the house and check on her and my heart sank even though I knew he was right. I emailed my brother in San Francisco hoping he had some answers but it seems he had been trying to call her with no luck and he was worried. In the mean time my mom calls from her cell phone and says "you don't call me any more?" Was I relieved to hear her voice. She didn't even realize her phone was out of service. Life gives you a new perspctive when you lose the "Protector of Your Family." He was everything to us but he always protected us and took care of us. I miss him always but I always knew he took care of my mother and now ...................

Why Do Things Happen???

Somedays I have to wonder why things happen the way they do. A young girl in Morgan's class was traveling in Mexico when a terrible car accident took the life of her dear father, her loving aunt and uncle and has left her clinging to her life at 14. The lord spared her mother only because she was traveling with her own father but oh how she must be saying "Why Lord, Why Me?" I can't help but ask that question as well. How will this woman survive and what does she have to look forward to?
All these questions. My daughter Morgan says why to me and I have no answer. . . . .