My Dearest Friend

My dearest friend for over 20 years, my husband and friend Tom.

He's sick, he's really sick this time. I don't think we have ever had him this sick. It is something new for us because he is usually the one who does things in the back ground and probably is the one who is least appreciated for all he does. Not any more.

About three weeks ago he called me at my office and said "Sue, I have to go to the walk in" and I remember being really busy and I said "Can't it wait!" I feel so bad for that now. He left work and drove himself. He called to tell me he had pneumonia and they told him he should be admitted to the hospital but he was going home. I remember driving to Rite Aid to get his meds and another doctor calling me on the cell phone and asking me all these questions. All I really remember from that conversation is "If he gets worse don't come to the walk in dial 911." He got my attention. The next few days were rocky; no sleeping in our house. We saw his own doctor who was immediately distressed and ordered oxygen 24/7 at the house. It ws pneumonia alright and he was not getting enough oxygen.

Almost three weeks later and he hasn't worked, the oxygen is still on and he looks so sick and can't breadth. Tomorrow we start tests for the lungs; then we will see a pulmonary specialist. The doctor says it's more than the pneumonia and we have to find out what it is. In some respects yes lets find out and in others it's better not to know; then you don't have to face it. This way it's like the elephant in the room. The one you can't see.

For weeks we all three stayed in the house and just watched him; I think he got sick of us. For two days now I have been going to work but always near in mind wondering if he is ok. However, it is better than 24/7 in the house listening to the oxygen machine, wondering what lays ahead, wondering if it will have to become the way of life?

Sometimes I feel guilty knowing others have lost their loved ones, mine is here, we have faith he will get better yet it is hard.

I find myself busy all the time; doing it all at home and now back at work. Somehow busy is better. Somehow having to be out there when people say "How is Tom?" is hard. After about 3 explainations a day I am in tears, crumbled and worried. It is better to not talk about it, to be away and remember happier and healthier days.

We love him, we won't forget it and we know healthier days are coming soon.

What A Week

It has been a fantastic week here. Morgan entered a piece into the Student Juried Art Show and not only was selected to have one of the 27 pieces (out of 100) in the show; she was one of the six pieces selected as Merit Winners. She won $75 and a place in the show. Do try to see it if you get out to WWCC it hangs in the gallery. You can't miss hers it is colorful, bright, and Children's Hands. The piece is titled "Voices."

What an accomplishment for our "Girl." We are so very proud of her.

Then it was Saturday and we celebrated her "Belated Birthday" because everyone, including her, had the horrible flu at the beginning of the month. It was a fun filled night of pizza. salads, pop, beer, wine and cake. Most of all we were joined by people that meant the most to her this year and years past:

Here is Dwain her study partner in History Winter Quarter. They not only became GREAT study partners but lifelong friends as well. Dwain brought and introduced us all to his spouse Kelly. I feel like they are two people that no matter where life sends us all, we will keep in touch.

Jena Peitersen was there . Jim teaches History at the college and our family became connected with him and Jill when they married. Then came along little Jena who Morgan held in the hospital when she was about 5 hrs. old and the bond has been there every since. Morgan wouldn't let anything bad happen to that girl. It might not be biological but Jena has a big sister for life.

Two of the people who have made Morgan's year in Art successful. Elizabeth Harris has taught Morgan many more hours than she has been paid for and developed a bond that happens seldom in Education -- one that will last many years beyond Morgan's time at WWCC. Nanqi You has given Morgan so much Love and Support in her Art, in her journey of English 102 on Line and as an example of being a genuinely kind person. Thank you to both of you.
Morgan's good friend Hannah. They have been friends since Middle School. Now Hannah and Morgan attend the Running Start Program together at WWCC. They are the "best" of friends. It is cool. Yes Hannah "Holy Shit" Morgan is 18 -- my thoughts exactly.

This is Kurt and Claira. Kurt is married to Susan (the photo taker and she is not pictured any where). and Claira is married to Rick who is not pictured. Susan and Kurt have been in Morgan's life since age 7 and are known as her second set of parents. They have been the best of support to her, her whole life through. Claira is married to Rick and they live in Waitsburg and we became aquainted with them many many years ago because Rick worked with Tom up until Dec. at the college. They are great friends.

Morgan had so many great friends there: Jim, Jill and Jenna Peitersen, Curtis Phillips, Jan Kruper, Dwine and Kelly, Susan and Kurt, Nanqi and Steve, Elizabeth and Hans, Rick and Claira, Hannah and her mother Debra Wright, Grandma Bunny -- it was a great party and just what Morgan wanted a mix of all the people she has known and supported her throughout her 18 years and they were there, they had great time and they blessed her abundantly. What more could you ask for.

Great job and much love to our baby girl!

Morgan Is 18

May 5, 1991 Our Daughter Is Born

Tom and I were married in May of 1989 and I brought into that marriage a daughter, Heather, who was the apple of our eye. After one year of marriage it was obvious we wanted another child to complete our family. We were both in our early 30's and getting pregnant was not easy for me. Within a years time we lost six babies to miscarriage and were about to call it quits. Much to our surprise I conceived an was able to carry to full term and from that came our beautiful daughter Morgan. This was the first baby on Tom's side of the family for at least 10 years and something my family never thought would happen again. So it was exciting.

We have enjoyed every minute of her growing up from a tiny little baby, 6lbs. 5 ozs (19 inches long) to a beautiful young woman. From the time she was our newborn to today she will always be our princess.

She joined a sister who could hardly wait for her to be born! I never had a sister so I was so excited when it was a girl!

She was Grandpa Lou's girl! He was always partial to girls but this girl was the apple of his eye. If he was under control he would never have chosen to die the day before her birthday 4 years ago. She has great memories of him though because he was the kind of Grandpa that went out of his way to make those memories. From the time she started taking spelling tests in 1st grade till she stopped taking them he would send her a ribbon each week in the mail to congratulate her on her spelling grade (she still has those ribbons).

This year she left the high school as a junior and started the Running Start Program. She has done so well and maintains a almost perfect GPA in college level courses. More than that she has taken great love to Art and has achieved so much. This summer she will be teaching a painting class at Kids College. Morgan you have made us proud. Here are a few of her pieces.

Here are just a few fun pictures:

So Morgan know that these 18 years you have made Daddy and I so proud and we love you with all our hearts. You have made us proud and although we tease you alot we can't imagine the day you pack your stuff and hit the road to a life we have prepared you for but one we never thought would come.

Happy 18th Birthday Baby Girl!

A Daughter's Heart

On Monday May 4th will mark four years since my dad left this earth for what people say is a better place. It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long; it makes you want to shout out to someone who might listen to make time stop. Maybe just replay the last week, the last moment, the last touch, the last I love you forever just one more time. When your in the moment you can't imagine the one year later, the two years later, the three years later and now the four years later. You just wish you had that last chance to reach out and touch that person. Sometimes the feelings are so intense and I remember people saying "it gets better each day." I'm sorry it might get more comfortable but it doesn't get easier and it doesn't get better.

Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling this way because I know people who lost spouses, who lost children, whose children had their fathers for such a short time but I don't feel selfish, I still wish he was here and I don't think it is right. My heart bleeds deeper for those people than it did before I lost my own father, that is for sure. He was the glue for our family and sometimes I just wish him back here to glue us together again. We are making it but somehow not as good as it was before, not as strong as it was before.

He was my best friend in the whole world and when I was sad I could call him and he could make me smile, when I was sick I could call him and he would make me feel better, when I was happy I could call him and he would share that with me, he was my dad and now somehow he is not.

May 1st comes and for me it is a sad season and somehow I think that is so wrong. My youngest daughter celebrates her birthday now "the day after grandpa died." How is that fair? She turns 18 this year, she is doing Running Start, she is teaching Kids College "Painting Class" all things he would be so proud of. He never got to meet his great granddaughter "Ciara" which he would have loved. His eldest daughter has been very successful in her Nursing Career and Grandpa never got to see those things. It breaks my heart.

Michelle, I know you read this blog and I am so sorry because I feel this way and your pain is so great; the loss of a husband and father to three children here on earth and one by his side in heaven. I love you and although I don't know your pain I feel it deeply. Please know that.

Another May will come and go.

I love you Daddy; I love you so much and miss you so very much.

Nathan Bradford We Love You

A terrible thing happened to good people again. My 13 year old friend Nathan Bradford took his own life on April 1st. My dear friend Lynn could not have been at her worst possible place when the next day her husband couldn't take this death he was dealt and went out and killed himself. How do you make sense of this -- you don't. So now a family of 5 has become a family of 3 and begin life all over again.

Nathan has been in Children's Theatre Program I work with each summer. He was one those Bradford Kids who always had a smile from ear to ear. He was a practicle joker and he was always one you had to remind "remember your lines." He was the kid we never thought we would get him settled down enough to do his thing on stage but it always worked. I often saw Nathan riding his bike all over Walla Walla -- it was just what he did. I can't even imagine not seeing him riding his bike this summer.

For Lynn I can't imagine waking up one morning and not being the mother of 3 but to 2 and then go to bed and wake up and not have a husband to help make these adjustments. Her whole world has been crushed.

There oldest daughter, only daughter, Shannon is a delight. She is in her senior year in high school and she is so proud and so enjoying being a senior. Why does this happen to her; why does her senior year have to be less happy. I just love Shannon nd that great smile on her face. I remember several children's theatre when her father came and watched his kids "he swelled in pride." Shannon always refers to him as her Daddy. How come a young lady in this part of her life have to say good by to her Daddy and her little brother.

They are strong, they have great faith in god and they will be ok. They will be supported by there church. I hope they find and feel the love the community of Walla Walla embraces them with. I love that family and will share Nathan and Kirk tomorrow. Pray for them, pray for all the children effected in our community by the death, and finally love your family a bit deeper today and always.

Spring Around The Corner

Well, I think it has been a very long winter . . . . .almost too long.

I always find myself in the Winter with the blues and this winter has been no different. Up until Jan. I had made great strides in exercising regularly and had lost over 30 lbs., changed eating habits and just felt darn good. Although I kept the weight off during this winter, I lost no more, I stopped exercising and just didn't feel good again. I spent Febrary weekends on the road with my best friend going to visit her father who was dying. Unfortunantly he lost his battle on

Feb. 22. It was sad for me for many reasons; it brought back memories of my dad and I just ached for my friend who joined the unwanted membership into the "no father club."

This week I decided with Spring around the corner it was time for me to make a change; a change back to what made me feel better. So I am back to exercising every day and watching more what I eat. I can already tell a bit of a difference. I hope that difference continues to grow. Unfortunantly about a month ago I fell on the porch and pulled the nerve in my hip and it has really affected my ability to walk short or long distances which is something I had really loved doing. I hope to get the strength back. Tom and I did ride bikes last summer so hopefully we can get back on our bikes although I would walk a million times rather than get on my bike but I will. Somehow I think the bike will be less forgiving of the fall I took.

So keep me in your thoughts as I come out of this funk and get back on track and head toward Spring; a new beginning.

Just Thinking Outloud

I don't do much posting her anymore. Doesn't and hasn't seemed right lately. Winter is always a hard time for me and Feb. particularly is one of those months. The month my mother misses Dad so very much with her birthday, valentines day, the anniversary of their first date and their wedding anniversary. It is funny that some of these months still have a pang of ache after so long.

I am struggling right now. My best friend in the world is watching her father die. It is so sad to witness this and not be able to save him; not to be able to save her from what is to come. She is soon to become a member of a horrible club "The Losing a Parent Club." It doesn't matter how old you are or how old your parent is it is sting like no other. Her father has suffered from Alzhimers for awhile and so we haven't known him like he was but now his body is shutting down. Her parents have been married for 63 years so again witnessing her mother losing her life partner. Wow, sometimes it is way to close . . . .it adds salt to a wound which never truly heals. Keep this family close to heart knowing at any minutes they will lose him. The hospice nurse says maybe 2 weeks but only time will tell.

My sister in law's mother fell at 83 and broke her hip a week ago. She got the call tonight her mother had a stroke and she wasn't doing good. Keep her close to heart as she leaves Phoenix and heads to Bellingham to be with her mother.

Is it winter or something in the air. I wish it would stop whatever it is. I am ready for Spring and brighter days.

Missing Arizona

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