A Daughter's Heart

On Monday May 4th will mark four years since my dad left this earth for what people say is a better place. It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long; it makes you want to shout out to someone who might listen to make time stop. Maybe just replay the last week, the last moment, the last touch, the last I love you forever just one more time. When your in the moment you can't imagine the one year later, the two years later, the three years later and now the four years later. You just wish you had that last chance to reach out and touch that person. Sometimes the feelings are so intense and I remember people saying "it gets better each day." I'm sorry it might get more comfortable but it doesn't get easier and it doesn't get better.

Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling this way because I know people who lost spouses, who lost children, whose children had their fathers for such a short time but I don't feel selfish, I still wish he was here and I don't think it is right. My heart bleeds deeper for those people than it did before I lost my own father, that is for sure. He was the glue for our family and sometimes I just wish him back here to glue us together again. We are making it but somehow not as good as it was before, not as strong as it was before.

He was my best friend in the whole world and when I was sad I could call him and he could make me smile, when I was sick I could call him and he would make me feel better, when I was happy I could call him and he would share that with me, he was my dad and now somehow he is not.

May 1st comes and for me it is a sad season and somehow I think that is so wrong. My youngest daughter celebrates her birthday now "the day after grandpa died." How is that fair? She turns 18 this year, she is doing Running Start, she is teaching Kids College "Painting Class" all things he would be so proud of. He never got to meet his great granddaughter "Ciara" which he would have loved. His eldest daughter has been very successful in her Nursing Career and Grandpa never got to see those things. It breaks my heart.

Michelle, I know you read this blog and I am so sorry because I feel this way and your pain is so great; the loss of a husband and father to three children here on earth and one by his side in heaven. I love you and although I don't know your pain I feel it deeply. Please know that.

Another May will come and go.

I love you Daddy; I love you so much and miss you so very much.