Summer is here and it is usually the time I get on a plane and fly off to the sun of Arizona to visit my granddaughter and so my heart is sad because I am not doing that this summer. We are waiting to go till Christmas and then we can all go and stay two weeks. I posted a picture of Dora because my granddaugher (18 months) believes she is Dora's sister so it always reminds me of her.

This past weekend was our local "Relay For Life." Wow it was emotional. I didn't do that last year because it was so raw I couldn't force myself. I did it this year only because the pieces fell into place. I thought about volunteering but I didn't it was easier on the Anniversary of my Dad's Death to write the usual check to Hospice for $100 -- denial is what it is called. Then it was "well I should get him a luminar?" Well, till a week before it never happened and I was out at a yardsale of all places and this lady was selling them right there and Tom said "look you can get it now" and so I was kind of forced into it and then as I began to decorate it right there on the spot tears flowed and flowed and thank god for this special woman who wrapped her arms around me and let me know it was all ok she knew what I was experiencing. I thought about that moment alot and thought two years later and the emotion and the feelings are like it was that very day. I for the first time let myself feel "ok" for feeling that way. I was so very close to my father; we called each other "best friends." Although in latter years there was many miles between us we talked on the phone each day and emailed each other each day. Many times he would be in the car waiting for my mom to get her hair cut or in the store for a minute and he would pick up his cell phone and just call. Sometimes I was so busy but I am grateful today I never rushed him of the phone. Anyway, I got off track here: Then the luminar was purchased and so the day came for the event and Tom worked all day and so Morgan and I got in the car about 7 to head down that way and we got there and the cars were packed in so I drove right by and I remember Morgan saying "I thought we were going?" and I quickly told her "NO, I just wanted to look." Tom came home at 8 and he said "Let's go" and so he got me to get going and I kept telling him "there is too many cars" but low and behold he found a spot right up close so we went. It was the most amazing thing even though very very emotional so I am grateful we went. We listened to music, we read each and every luminary, we prayed by my Dad's luminary, we cried together, we walked together and laughed together as we remembered funny stories about Dad and we didn't leave till nearly 11 p.m. which is very late for us. My dad never had a service (at his request) so it was kind of like our "service" together as a family (minus our older daughter, granddaughter, son-in-law). For something I worked so hard to avoid -- it was good, it was really good. Next year I won't avoid it, I will embrace it with my whole being.

Sue

Well for me it is sad to think that a week from Friday will be May 4, 07 and two years since my dad left us. Even though I have not conciously thought of this it just is coming. It seems even sadder for me than the first year anniversary. I think after the first year it was still disbelief but now it has sunk in and he isn't coming back, our lives keep moving and he keeps missing so many things. I never wanted to lose him and I don't care if that sounds silly I didn't. I want him back. So somehow this getting easier stuff people mention is not correct; it is WRONG. So as the seasons change again we mark this event in our family. Yesterday we had to put our 15 year old dog Lucky to sleep. It was much harder than I could have ever imagined. I think it must be the season. I cried and cried and then cried some more and I keep saying "for pitty sake he is only your dog." He was our friend though and my dad would love to throw him cookies when he visited. So when I told my mom last night on the phone she said "I bet your dad is filling him up with cookies right now." I hope that is true.

Our youngest daughter will celebrate her "Sweet 16" May 5th. I can hardly imagine how time just flies.

As the season's change I hope you all find your lives in good places. Please continue to pray for all the children, young adults and adults who are suffering from cancer. It seems we lose many a day from this horrible disease. I pray one day there is a cure!

Anyone that reads this I would hope that you would keep this family in your prayers. My friend Kathie passed this along to me and as I read it I realized my oldest daughter was a few years behind Sarah in school at DeSales and knew here. We are praying with all our hearts for this young family. Please read Kathie's email below and Pray . . . . .

I am asking for prayers for a 4 month old baby who is in Portland with a brain tumor. I don't want to pass to much info. as I don't want to be incorrect. I am going to share CaringBridge with a close friend of the families tomorrow in hope they will start a site if there is not already one made.
Gail Danielson is the grandmother and she and her husband Don live here. Gail works for the school district in one way or another. Their daughter Sara is the mother she graduated from DeSales class of 98 or 99. Living now in Prineville Oregon.
Michelle, Sara and Liz (Cox) Stroe are best of friends they were maids of honor I believe in each others weddings. Liz has made three trips down to Portland already in the last week and a half. I talked to Liz yesterday and her car died while she was in Portland what kind of luck is that.
I will let you know if a Caringbridge site is set up.
I know they can use all the prayers they can receive. My understanding is they will start chemo tomorrow.

They are having the following fundraiser locally in Walla Walla if any readers are from here:

CHILI AND CHOWDER BENEFIT DINNER


Come help support our benefit dinner for Fredrick Jimenez. He is the son of Isaiah and Sarah ( Danielson ) Jimenez. At 5 months Fredrick has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. He has undergone surgery and medical procedures and will start cancer treatments. He is fighting for his life. He needs our prayers and they need our support. So please join us for a chili, chowder and pie feed this Thursday March 15th from 4-7 PM at St. Francis Parrish Hall.

Adults $6.00
Children 10 and under $4.00

If unable to attend dinner please fill free to stop by between 2-7 PM and help fill the fireman’s hats with your donations.

Thank you all so much for your support!

Well it is nice to report that our family will be back to normal again! Tom won his grievance and will return to day shift a week from tonight! Hip Hip Hooray. We had hope that things would improve regarding hours but never did we guess that his hours would return to the original day hours but they have!
Thank you for all your prayers and good thoughts during this rough time.

I am continuing to walk to work and work through some of my own issues which is always good.

Keep my friend Connie in your prayers she has just lost her Aunt; her Uncle died just two weeks ago so this is all really hard for her. So many little ones on cambridge are dying and families are struggling keep them close to heart. So many people hurting. My friend Cathy from Chicago struggles each day with the loss of her sweet Lou just 6 months ago. Pray for her too!

I have discovered a website through her nephews website of a young woman in the Luteran Church that is doing her internship to become a minister. She shares wonderful wonderful things and gives me hope so please keep her in your prayers as she continues her ministry work and visit her site: http://laurathevicar.blogspot.com/

Well Feb. is about over and March is right ahead of us . . . . .
Feb began horrible for us at the Clark household. The first Friday of Feb. we went to check on Tom's mom and found her in bed and we could not wake her. After a trip by ambulance to the hospital it was discovered she had a heart attack. She spent two weeks in the hospital recovering and now is back at home with a lot of home health, meals on wheels and lots of attention by us. We are pretty much worn out.
Many of you know that Tom has been working at the college for 25 years and the past 16 of them on Day Shift and then with no warning in August his boss changed him to
11 p.m. to 7:30 am. shift. This was devastating to us and Tom became an emotional and physical wreck and ended up taking two months of medical leave. So in mid Nov. he went back to work and started nights however, he continued to fight through the grievance process. Today we got word that he is to meet with his union rep, the VP of facilities and the HR person at 7:00 a.m. and the word is he is going to be returned to his day shift. The Union person has been assured this is what it is all about. We are praying, hoping, keeping the faith that this is indeed the end to this mess. So as you can see we are looking forward to a great end of Feb.
My walking has slowed down, way down, but I am still struggling walking in to work (2 miles) once a week. I am hoping to continue that as we go back to new hours in our house and transportation to school.
I still suffer from missing my dad with all my heart and soul, I still don't sleep well but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. I have so many friends just struggling and I am grateful to be able to join hands with them and know we will survive because we are survivors.

Well, it seems time just flys and you don't even realize it!

Not much to report. Still walking and trying to get a bit more healthy, but as most things that to has slowed down. I think it is the cold and gloomy weather that does that; at least I hope that is the case.

It seems that sad things just keep happening. My good friend Connie lost her Uncle who was her mother's brother. It just dug up bad bad memories for Connie. My mother in law had a heart attack which will increase her need for Assisted Living; losing her independence is hard. My Aunt is in her last days of cancer; they have called in Hospice and she is not taking any more treatments. My friend Michelle is in turmoil and need prayers. My friend Cathy is struggling with her own grief over the loss of her dear sweet Lou. Sometimes all this just makes your head spin and you wonder "where can I jump off." However, somehow with the grace of God we survive.

Hopefully Spring is just around the corner!

Happy New Year!

A New Year has dawned and this little face, our granddaughter, is what makes us know that life and families continue on. My father would have been so excited and proud to have this little girl around -- to bad he didn't live to see her.

Well, the holidays are over and it was nice. We spent time with family and friends and spent time away from work. However, then it hits you and you have to get back with it. I found it really hard to get back into my regular schedule again but I did.

Tomorrow I am going to head to work on foot again since my excerise this past month has been substituted with feeling sorry for myself, eating all the foods I stopped eating for months and just doing nothing. So as hard as it will be it will be good to get into a routine again. Routine that is what makes me feel better.

Please keep all my friends and family who have lost loved ones close to your hearts as they begin a new year hopefully filled with good memories and new adventure.

Merry Christmas

This is an updated picture of our granddaughter "Ciara." We think she is so cute but we are a bit prejudice.

Tis the season to be jolly they say. I have to say when you lose someone that the holidays just don't mean much anymore. This will be the second Christmas without my dad and there just remains this big empty space -- something is missing. My mom put it the best the other day "holidays are just another day without your dad" and I tend to agree.

In other news we continue to survive at our house with Tom working nights . . . . .He has adjusted better than me. I miss him terribly because when he works 11 p.m. till 7:30 a.m. he is usually sleeping in the evenings. When he goes in at 5 he is just gone for the evening. So I have to think of a new past time after the holidays besides sitting at home eating candy, watching tv, and crying. That is one of my New Year's Resolutions. I am still walking to work two days a week even in this bitter cold weather and my Blood Pressure is ok not great but ok.

Please keep all my Cambridge Friends and my friends who have lost family so dear to their hearts in your prayers during this holiday season.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummins

Well November is just around the corner . . . .where did October go????? Boy November weather sure arrived over night and I guess might be here for several days.
Just a short update on how things are going for me. Pretty well I guess. I am using the sleep aid as promised two nights a week so at least those two nights are good sleeping nights. The other nights are pretty much the same; in bed around 9:00p.m. and up at 1:00 a.m. and back to bed at 3:20 or so and back up for the day at 4:30 a.m. I only wish I could change this but right now there seems to be no reasonable solution.
I am still walking the 2 miles or so to work three days a week and walking in the evenings with Tom. So I feel pretty good about that. I think it is starting my fourth week of the walk to work. Today at lunch I am going to walk about 30 minutes in hopes to relieve some office stress. I hope I am able to get out and do that.
The blood pressure was down and the weight was abit down when I saw Dr. Sophia last time. My doctor appointment made me feel really really good and gave me some good feedback to keep on the trail. So that is the saga of my health.
At home we have Tom who hasn't worked since early September because his diabeties and blood pressure are all out of wack and are realated to work. So he will be home and not working for awhile and hoping to get in better health. Pray for him.
I still visit and pray for so many cambridge families. SO many are just hurting. . .
Young people who lost their lives and left hurting loved ones behind. Please pray for them. Loved ones who are so empty after losing loved ones and their is no answer, pray for them as well. All the children without their fathers; pray for them. Love your families right now because life throws so many blows that are unexpected.

Well, this is what brings a smile to my face -- my one and only granddaughter, Ciara. I miss her and wish she lived closer to us but am always glad to see pictures of her.
These days as I wrote before are full with trying to get in a better state of health.
A bit of an update is that I completed my 5th day of walking to work; I try to walk on T,W,Th and during the rest of the week Tom and I take a 30 minute walk in the afternoon when I get home. I have been taking my Blood Pressure Pills every single day. Now the sleeping let me tell you; I am taking those special pills on Friday and Saturday evenings and they really let me get about 6 good hours of sleep which I am very appreciative of. However, they kind of make me feel a bit too groggy to take them in the week when I have to work the next day. I like to be at the top of my game and I fear I would not be if I took them. So sleep is better but not great. So I will continue to work on that. I will return to see Dr. Sophia in a few weeks and I am sure my Blood Pressure will be better. However, I will keep trudging along and hope to be a healthier person.
I continue to be amazed at how much I still miss my dad. This morning on the way to work my friend and I were talking about things and all of a sudden I said "when my mom passes" and I just sobbed uncontrolably at the throught" it really came out of no where. It hurts so bad and it doesn't want to get better I guess. One of my bestest friends sent me this just last week and I want to end with it:

Here is the quote I was telling you about. It is from
a book titled "Raising Cole". It is written by Marc
Pittman
who lost his 21 year old son in an automobile accident.
He writes about his grief:

"How we handle pain determines whom we become.
For me there was only one approach: Meet the pain
head on. Don't duck it. Embrace it. Drown in it. Let
it smother you until you can smother it. Coping with
death, to me, is all about remembering love. I don't
worry about the pain. I'll worry if I ever stop feeling
the pain."

For me, that was powerful and beautifully expressed.
It gives me the freedom to embrace the pain and tears
and never wish them gone.
Love Always, Connie

I leave you with this and thank Connie for sharing it. . . . . .

Fall Thoughts . . . .

I am going to try this post one last final time -- do you know this is effort number four.
September is almost over and October is upon us with witches, pumpkins, ghosts and candy. I always dread September but in a way when it is gone it leaves kind of a sadness in my heart. For the first time this year I received a birthday card signed Love Always Mom; you see last year she didn't send one at my request but she did this year and it still feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart. I know it must be hard for mom too.
Several weeks ago I was feeling so wiped out and really feeling alot like how much more of this can I take. It has been over a year and NO it didn't get better and in some respects it has gotten worse. Your not in this fog anymore you are in reality that it is indeed real. Thank goodness I have friends that know it doesn't get better that it is still ok to cry to offset those who think "My God isn't she ever going to be better; after all its been a year."
Well, after over a year of non sleeping, uncontrolled blood pressue, non exercise and just plain not feeling better I decided no more it was time to improve my person so I made an appt. with my Physician to get a better start. Of course I have made this appt. a lot of times (at least 10) over the past year but this time I actually kept the appointment. I spoke to her honestly and we both cried (yes the Physcian cried too) and then we made some decisions.
I am going to fight the blood pressure with better eating choices and taking my medication on a regular basis not a hit and miss basis. I am going to try to walk at least once a day for 30 minutes and maybe even twice. Yesterday I walked to work (about 2 miles) and although there were moments I wondered I made it. I believe my dad was on my shoulder encouraging me). Sleep which is a big issue -- only about 3 to 4 hours per night. I attribute that to spending the last two weeks of my dad's like 24/7 next to his hospital bed as he screamed in pain and finally our move to Hospice Care where he died in my arms. I remember his eyes popping wide open and looking at me and my eldest daughter running to get the nurse to save him and he drew his last breadth. Unlike the dream I want to have of him healthy and happy and talking to me I only see the end and so I don't sleep well. Although Doctor Sophia believes by using a sleeping aid for a month or so it could get me in a regular sleep pattern again. I disagree but I am going to try so keep your fingers crossed.
My dad would want good health for me; he would not even hope for peace and no sadness because he knows that would not happen.
So as September leaves and October begins hopefully lifechanges will begin.

September Days

Well Fall is in the air . . . . . Kids are off to school, I am back at work full time, and my birthday is just around the corner again. It just seems as if the days won't slow down even though I cry out for them to slow down.

Since my last blog Cathy lost her "Sweet Lou" and so many of the children I follow on Cambridge have gotten their angel wings. Kari is still missing her Kevin and Michelle her Dave and Cheri her Fred and the list goes on. One of the teachers in our immediate area has a wife with brain cancer and it is looking bleak and he won't return in the Fall to teach and he says to me "I don't know what Winter is going to bring; I don't know where I am going to be; I don't know if she will be with me." How very sad and what do you respond "nothing" because in my heart I know that Winter is not going to bring good things for him; the road isn't going to get easier and he may be alone and join Kari, Michelle, Cathy, Cheri and all the others who miss their partner so very much.

I miss my own dad so much in September; the month of my birth. Last year it was still such an open wound that I told my mom "I have called off my birthday don't send a card or anything." She was so good and respected my wishes. I could not bear to get a birthday card signed "Love Mom." This year I thought it would be better but as we began September I immediately told mom "don't send a card, don't send anything." It's been just over a year but for some reason I still can't imagine seeing a birthday card with "Love Mom." I still want it to say "Love Mom and Dad" and it never will. Even though the last 7 years of his life we were seperated by miles and miles he always stayed up till midnight and called my work phone so when I got to work the first message was from him say "happy birthday baby girl" even though I am 40 plus. There was always a email from him telling me for the 40 plus time about the night I was born anad how proud he was to have a daughter and how proud he still was of me. Then he always called before I went to bed that night so he was the last one to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday will come again on the 23rd of this September and next September and then the next but it will never be the same; never ever.

So Fall is here again . . . . . .enjoy what use to be my favorite season of the year.