A Daughter's Heart

On Monday May 4th will mark four years since my dad left this earth for what people say is a better place. It doesn't seem possible that it has been that long; it makes you want to shout out to someone who might listen to make time stop. Maybe just replay the last week, the last moment, the last touch, the last I love you forever just one more time. When your in the moment you can't imagine the one year later, the two years later, the three years later and now the four years later. You just wish you had that last chance to reach out and touch that person. Sometimes the feelings are so intense and I remember people saying "it gets better each day." I'm sorry it might get more comfortable but it doesn't get easier and it doesn't get better.

Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling this way because I know people who lost spouses, who lost children, whose children had their fathers for such a short time but I don't feel selfish, I still wish he was here and I don't think it is right. My heart bleeds deeper for those people than it did before I lost my own father, that is for sure. He was the glue for our family and sometimes I just wish him back here to glue us together again. We are making it but somehow not as good as it was before, not as strong as it was before.

He was my best friend in the whole world and when I was sad I could call him and he could make me smile, when I was sick I could call him and he would make me feel better, when I was happy I could call him and he would share that with me, he was my dad and now somehow he is not.

May 1st comes and for me it is a sad season and somehow I think that is so wrong. My youngest daughter celebrates her birthday now "the day after grandpa died." How is that fair? She turns 18 this year, she is doing Running Start, she is teaching Kids College "Painting Class" all things he would be so proud of. He never got to meet his great granddaughter "Ciara" which he would have loved. His eldest daughter has been very successful in her Nursing Career and Grandpa never got to see those things. It breaks my heart.

Michelle, I know you read this blog and I am so sorry because I feel this way and your pain is so great; the loss of a husband and father to three children here on earth and one by his side in heaven. I love you and although I don't know your pain I feel it deeply. Please know that.

Another May will come and go.

I love you Daddy; I love you so much and miss you so very much.

Nathan Bradford We Love You

A terrible thing happened to good people again. My 13 year old friend Nathan Bradford took his own life on April 1st. My dear friend Lynn could not have been at her worst possible place when the next day her husband couldn't take this death he was dealt and went out and killed himself. How do you make sense of this -- you don't. So now a family of 5 has become a family of 3 and begin life all over again.

Nathan has been in Children's Theatre Program I work with each summer. He was one those Bradford Kids who always had a smile from ear to ear. He was a practicle joker and he was always one you had to remind "remember your lines." He was the kid we never thought we would get him settled down enough to do his thing on stage but it always worked. I often saw Nathan riding his bike all over Walla Walla -- it was just what he did. I can't even imagine not seeing him riding his bike this summer.

For Lynn I can't imagine waking up one morning and not being the mother of 3 but to 2 and then go to bed and wake up and not have a husband to help make these adjustments. Her whole world has been crushed.

There oldest daughter, only daughter, Shannon is a delight. She is in her senior year in high school and she is so proud and so enjoying being a senior. Why does this happen to her; why does her senior year have to be less happy. I just love Shannon nd that great smile on her face. I remember several children's theatre when her father came and watched his kids "he swelled in pride." Shannon always refers to him as her Daddy. How come a young lady in this part of her life have to say good by to her Daddy and her little brother.

They are strong, they have great faith in god and they will be ok. They will be supported by there church. I hope they find and feel the love the community of Walla Walla embraces them with. I love that family and will share Nathan and Kirk tomorrow. Pray for them, pray for all the children effected in our community by the death, and finally love your family a bit deeper today and always.

Spring Around The Corner

Well, I think it has been a very long winter . . . . .almost too long.

I always find myself in the Winter with the blues and this winter has been no different. Up until Jan. I had made great strides in exercising regularly and had lost over 30 lbs., changed eating habits and just felt darn good. Although I kept the weight off during this winter, I lost no more, I stopped exercising and just didn't feel good again. I spent Febrary weekends on the road with my best friend going to visit her father who was dying. Unfortunantly he lost his battle on

Feb. 22. It was sad for me for many reasons; it brought back memories of my dad and I just ached for my friend who joined the unwanted membership into the "no father club."

This week I decided with Spring around the corner it was time for me to make a change; a change back to what made me feel better. So I am back to exercising every day and watching more what I eat. I can already tell a bit of a difference. I hope that difference continues to grow. Unfortunantly about a month ago I fell on the porch and pulled the nerve in my hip and it has really affected my ability to walk short or long distances which is something I had really loved doing. I hope to get the strength back. Tom and I did ride bikes last summer so hopefully we can get back on our bikes although I would walk a million times rather than get on my bike but I will. Somehow I think the bike will be less forgiving of the fall I took.

So keep me in your thoughts as I come out of this funk and get back on track and head toward Spring; a new beginning.

Just Thinking Outloud

I don't do much posting her anymore. Doesn't and hasn't seemed right lately. Winter is always a hard time for me and Feb. particularly is one of those months. The month my mother misses Dad so very much with her birthday, valentines day, the anniversary of their first date and their wedding anniversary. It is funny that some of these months still have a pang of ache after so long.

I am struggling right now. My best friend in the world is watching her father die. It is so sad to witness this and not be able to save him; not to be able to save her from what is to come. She is soon to become a member of a horrible club "The Losing a Parent Club." It doesn't matter how old you are or how old your parent is it is sting like no other. Her father has suffered from Alzhimers for awhile and so we haven't known him like he was but now his body is shutting down. Her parents have been married for 63 years so again witnessing her mother losing her life partner. Wow, sometimes it is way to close . . . .it adds salt to a wound which never truly heals. Keep this family close to heart knowing at any minutes they will lose him. The hospice nurse says maybe 2 weeks but only time will tell.

My sister in law's mother fell at 83 and broke her hip a week ago. She got the call tonight her mother had a stroke and she wasn't doing good. Keep her close to heart as she leaves Phoenix and heads to Bellingham to be with her mother.

Is it winter or something in the air. I wish it would stop whatever it is. I am ready for Spring and brighter days.

Missing Arizona

Photobucket Album

Happy Holidays

Well, it just doesn't quite feel like the holidays yet but it will soon. Our house didn't get decorated, no lights outside because we will be packing up soon and heading to Arizona for Christmas. It always brightens my heart to be there close to family and friends. Lots to do though to get to that point but that call from our "Ciara" "grandma, Papa I love you." We love you too Ciara and we can't wait to be there to do all the things you love to do and meet your brand new puppy. We leave on the 17th and return in the New Year.

Thanksgiving

A very old pic of a thanksgiving of the past with mom, dad, my brother, his wife and I. Wow how the years have changed our family. Dad is gone, I have a husband, two beautiful daughters, a son in law, a darling granddaughter.

Well, Thanksgiving brings so many memories and things I am grateful for . . . . . .

My heart always aches this time of year when I am so far from my mom, daughter, granddaughter, brother but it rejoices to know at Christmas I will be there.

I am grateful to have a set of family in laws to celebrate with . . . .

I am grateful to have close friends that are best knows "as family"

I am grateful for all the servicemen and woman who are out fighting for our country instead of gathering around their family tables.

I am grateful for a healthy family.

I am grateful for my job and my home.

I wish all a very grateful "Thanksgiving" as you join with family or friends or both this holiday season.

Favorite Photo Friday - Family Photo

Well, my favorite family photo is from this past Sept. It is a shot of my husband's family and my daughters. It was my 50th Birthday and our oldest came home from Arizona with her husband and my granddaughter for the occassion. We had a family dinner at my mother in laws house because she was unable to get out. This pic includes my daughters, my sister in law and her entire family and my mother in law. It was a great evening of food, family and celebration and I am going to remember it for the rest of my life. We had a great birthday party the next day but this was really the highlight of the week -- yep we celebrated for a week :)

Fav. Friday Photo - Happy Halloween

This picture is about 17 years old. Both my girls on the front porch modeling sweatshirts made by their Aunt Sharyl "the talented one in the family." Morgan was maybe 2 and so that put Heather at about 7 I would guess. I just loved those days but I don't miss them either. So enjoy your halloween and our blast from the past.

Happy Birthday Heather!

It doesn't seem possible that this little girl will turn 25 on Oct. 29th. It seems like just yesterday that her father and I were celebrating the announcement of her impending birth with family and friends. I remember my father saying "are you sure your ready for a baby." Well, I remember thinking "well it is a bit too late now to think of that." However, it was one of the most exciting days of his life when I gave birth to this little girl. She was the apple of his eye.

I do have to say that it was questionable if I would every have her. I was in a car accident when I was 7 months pregnant. A car rear ended our car and put me in the hospital in premature labor for a week. After finally getting the labor calmed down and sent me home I went two weeks over my due date before finally having her. I might say there were lots of trips to the hospital in false labor but when finally labor started it was hard and long. I would estimate about 1.5 days of labor before finally giving birth to her. In those days it was IV drugs and no epiderals for the pain and lots of doctors and nurses saying "sometimes first babies take forever." I remember telling my mom, dad and her father "I was sure I had made a mistake about wanting a baby and lets go home." It was too late and I am glad it was because she has made me very proud.

She has lived through lots in her 25 years of life and made us proud. Unfortunantly for her, her father and I divorced just two years after her birth and until she was 5 lived with mom and visited dad. She was lucky because her father was always part of her life. We were lucky to find Tom when she was only 6 and she had "two" dads. Then she became a big sister; something she never thought she would become.

She attended 12 years of Catholic School and graduated from DeSales High School. There was only 4 children in her graduating class that had gone through the Catholic School System in WW from the beginning to the end of their education. It was a day I will never forget. She spent a year kind of floundering and wondering what she wanted to do and then did one of the bravest things I could ever imagine; and one of the most heart breaking days of my life. She moved to Arizona to live with her grandparents and go to a Intense Nursing School. She graduated high in her class even though she called sometimes 5 times a day and just knew she could not and would not make it. She has moved right along in her Nursing career and is in Nursing Administration in Arizona at a Long Term Care Facility. I remember when my father was in the last week of our lives she was with us every minute and gave us good advise and made sure grandpa was well cared for and got everything he needed. She paid him back for everything he had done for her in her life. I know she misses him more than to the moon and back and to the moon again because in many cases he was more than just her "Grandpa."

So here is a picture of her when she was about 3 and celebrating Halloween. Halloween was always celebrated well at our house because we always celebrated Halloween and her Birthday together.

Here she is this past September. A lovely young woman with a husband and young daughter. We are so very proud of who she is and what she has accomplished.

Happy Birthday early sweet girl!

Love, Mom

It's A New Car . . . .

Favorite FOTO Friday #59 - Summer Memories

Although it pushes the Summer Season a bit the weather said it was still summer so here you go ............

Well our eldest daughter, Heather, visited Walla Walla from Sept. 18 to Sept. 23 with her husband, Will, and our granddaughter Ciara. They came as my 50th Birthday Gift and what a gift it was. I have choosen some pics from the visit randomly because I am not so good at this blogging stuff. Sit back and enjoy our family as much as we enjoyed having them visit. We can't wait to see them in Arizona when we travel there for Christmas.


\ Ciara has had a full day and zonked out in the car :) I can tell it was Sunday because she has her football jersey on.

We traveled to our cabin up Mill Creek to pick blackberries. A time Heather remembers as a child. I wasn't so excited but once we were all up there it brought back great memories when Tom, Heather and I became a family back in 1989 and this was something we did almost every Fall weekend.

Mom and daughter remembering the old days.

The old cabin.

Isn't our eldest daughter beautiful? She is a nurse now and we are so proud of her

We celebrated my birthday at a party hosted by my good friend Susan and her spouse and it was attended by an overwhelming number of friends and family. Although I said "NO CAKE" here it is.

Here is what 50 candles do . . . . . . .

One of my daughter's first stops was to go visit Grandpa Clark's gravesite and take him flowers. She loved "Papa Swede."

We walked downtown and hit the farmer's market.

We gathered as a family and celebrated my birthday again with my great niece Emmaleigh who celebrated her 12th birthday. Few candles.

All the greatgrandkids with Grandma; She has her eyes on Ciara. This was great fun for her.

Great Uncle Mike was a hit with Ciara . . . .

The cousins . . . .Heather, Sarah and Ciara

More family shots

This is the sweet girl we miss so much. She warmed our beds, she kept us busy and she warmed our hearts more than she will ever know. Thank you Rucker's for making this trip to Walla Walla.

Love, Mom/Grandma