Merry Christmas

This is an updated picture of our granddaughter "Ciara." We think she is so cute but we are a bit prejudice.

Tis the season to be jolly they say. I have to say when you lose someone that the holidays just don't mean much anymore. This will be the second Christmas without my dad and there just remains this big empty space -- something is missing. My mom put it the best the other day "holidays are just another day without your dad" and I tend to agree.

In other news we continue to survive at our house with Tom working nights . . . . .He has adjusted better than me. I miss him terribly because when he works 11 p.m. till 7:30 a.m. he is usually sleeping in the evenings. When he goes in at 5 he is just gone for the evening. So I have to think of a new past time after the holidays besides sitting at home eating candy, watching tv, and crying. That is one of my New Year's Resolutions. I am still walking to work two days a week even in this bitter cold weather and my Blood Pressure is ok not great but ok.

Please keep all my Cambridge Friends and my friends who have lost family so dear to their hearts in your prayers during this holiday season.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummins

Well November is just around the corner . . . .where did October go????? Boy November weather sure arrived over night and I guess might be here for several days.
Just a short update on how things are going for me. Pretty well I guess. I am using the sleep aid as promised two nights a week so at least those two nights are good sleeping nights. The other nights are pretty much the same; in bed around 9:00p.m. and up at 1:00 a.m. and back to bed at 3:20 or so and back up for the day at 4:30 a.m. I only wish I could change this but right now there seems to be no reasonable solution.
I am still walking the 2 miles or so to work three days a week and walking in the evenings with Tom. So I feel pretty good about that. I think it is starting my fourth week of the walk to work. Today at lunch I am going to walk about 30 minutes in hopes to relieve some office stress. I hope I am able to get out and do that.
The blood pressure was down and the weight was abit down when I saw Dr. Sophia last time. My doctor appointment made me feel really really good and gave me some good feedback to keep on the trail. So that is the saga of my health.
At home we have Tom who hasn't worked since early September because his diabeties and blood pressure are all out of wack and are realated to work. So he will be home and not working for awhile and hoping to get in better health. Pray for him.
I still visit and pray for so many cambridge families. SO many are just hurting. . .
Young people who lost their lives and left hurting loved ones behind. Please pray for them. Loved ones who are so empty after losing loved ones and their is no answer, pray for them as well. All the children without their fathers; pray for them. Love your families right now because life throws so many blows that are unexpected.

Well, this is what brings a smile to my face -- my one and only granddaughter, Ciara. I miss her and wish she lived closer to us but am always glad to see pictures of her.
These days as I wrote before are full with trying to get in a better state of health.
A bit of an update is that I completed my 5th day of walking to work; I try to walk on T,W,Th and during the rest of the week Tom and I take a 30 minute walk in the afternoon when I get home. I have been taking my Blood Pressure Pills every single day. Now the sleeping let me tell you; I am taking those special pills on Friday and Saturday evenings and they really let me get about 6 good hours of sleep which I am very appreciative of. However, they kind of make me feel a bit too groggy to take them in the week when I have to work the next day. I like to be at the top of my game and I fear I would not be if I took them. So sleep is better but not great. So I will continue to work on that. I will return to see Dr. Sophia in a few weeks and I am sure my Blood Pressure will be better. However, I will keep trudging along and hope to be a healthier person.
I continue to be amazed at how much I still miss my dad. This morning on the way to work my friend and I were talking about things and all of a sudden I said "when my mom passes" and I just sobbed uncontrolably at the throught" it really came out of no where. It hurts so bad and it doesn't want to get better I guess. One of my bestest friends sent me this just last week and I want to end with it:

Here is the quote I was telling you about. It is from
a book titled "Raising Cole". It is written by Marc
Pittman
who lost his 21 year old son in an automobile accident.
He writes about his grief:

"How we handle pain determines whom we become.
For me there was only one approach: Meet the pain
head on. Don't duck it. Embrace it. Drown in it. Let
it smother you until you can smother it. Coping with
death, to me, is all about remembering love. I don't
worry about the pain. I'll worry if I ever stop feeling
the pain."

For me, that was powerful and beautifully expressed.
It gives me the freedom to embrace the pain and tears
and never wish them gone.
Love Always, Connie

I leave you with this and thank Connie for sharing it. . . . . .

Fall Thoughts . . . .

I am going to try this post one last final time -- do you know this is effort number four.
September is almost over and October is upon us with witches, pumpkins, ghosts and candy. I always dread September but in a way when it is gone it leaves kind of a sadness in my heart. For the first time this year I received a birthday card signed Love Always Mom; you see last year she didn't send one at my request but she did this year and it still feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart. I know it must be hard for mom too.
Several weeks ago I was feeling so wiped out and really feeling alot like how much more of this can I take. It has been over a year and NO it didn't get better and in some respects it has gotten worse. Your not in this fog anymore you are in reality that it is indeed real. Thank goodness I have friends that know it doesn't get better that it is still ok to cry to offset those who think "My God isn't she ever going to be better; after all its been a year."
Well, after over a year of non sleeping, uncontrolled blood pressue, non exercise and just plain not feeling better I decided no more it was time to improve my person so I made an appt. with my Physician to get a better start. Of course I have made this appt. a lot of times (at least 10) over the past year but this time I actually kept the appointment. I spoke to her honestly and we both cried (yes the Physcian cried too) and then we made some decisions.
I am going to fight the blood pressure with better eating choices and taking my medication on a regular basis not a hit and miss basis. I am going to try to walk at least once a day for 30 minutes and maybe even twice. Yesterday I walked to work (about 2 miles) and although there were moments I wondered I made it. I believe my dad was on my shoulder encouraging me). Sleep which is a big issue -- only about 3 to 4 hours per night. I attribute that to spending the last two weeks of my dad's like 24/7 next to his hospital bed as he screamed in pain and finally our move to Hospice Care where he died in my arms. I remember his eyes popping wide open and looking at me and my eldest daughter running to get the nurse to save him and he drew his last breadth. Unlike the dream I want to have of him healthy and happy and talking to me I only see the end and so I don't sleep well. Although Doctor Sophia believes by using a sleeping aid for a month or so it could get me in a regular sleep pattern again. I disagree but I am going to try so keep your fingers crossed.
My dad would want good health for me; he would not even hope for peace and no sadness because he knows that would not happen.
So as September leaves and October begins hopefully lifechanges will begin.

September Days

Well Fall is in the air . . . . . Kids are off to school, I am back at work full time, and my birthday is just around the corner again. It just seems as if the days won't slow down even though I cry out for them to slow down.

Since my last blog Cathy lost her "Sweet Lou" and so many of the children I follow on Cambridge have gotten their angel wings. Kari is still missing her Kevin and Michelle her Dave and Cheri her Fred and the list goes on. One of the teachers in our immediate area has a wife with brain cancer and it is looking bleak and he won't return in the Fall to teach and he says to me "I don't know what Winter is going to bring; I don't know where I am going to be; I don't know if she will be with me." How very sad and what do you respond "nothing" because in my heart I know that Winter is not going to bring good things for him; the road isn't going to get easier and he may be alone and join Kari, Michelle, Cathy, Cheri and all the others who miss their partner so very much.

I miss my own dad so much in September; the month of my birth. Last year it was still such an open wound that I told my mom "I have called off my birthday don't send a card or anything." She was so good and respected my wishes. I could not bear to get a birthday card signed "Love Mom." This year I thought it would be better but as we began September I immediately told mom "don't send a card, don't send anything." It's been just over a year but for some reason I still can't imagine seeing a birthday card with "Love Mom." I still want it to say "Love Mom and Dad" and it never will. Even though the last 7 years of his life we were seperated by miles and miles he always stayed up till midnight and called my work phone so when I got to work the first message was from him say "happy birthday baby girl" even though I am 40 plus. There was always a email from him telling me for the 40 plus time about the night I was born anad how proud he was to have a daughter and how proud he still was of me. Then he always called before I went to bed that night so he was the last one to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday will come again on the 23rd of this September and next September and then the next but it will never be the same; never ever.

So Fall is here again . . . . . .enjoy what use to be my favorite season of the year.

Prayers


*****URGENT UPDATE******************************************************************
Down below I talk about Cathy and Lou who are walking this journey as I wrote this. However, I have learned today Lou is nearing the end so please pray hard for peace for Lou for Cathy for their two boys and all their family and friends.
************************************************************************************


Well, during this last year one thing that has gotten me through these lonely days without my dad is my connection to Cambridge Families that I don't even know. I was connected to Cambridge through Michelle Meyer's website for her husband Dave. Since starting to read these journals and actually following these families I have become connected to these real people. So many of these families are really hurting right now and need prayer and so if you read this journal I ask you to take a moment and pray with your whole heart and soul for these families . . . .

Kari Terry is a young woman who three months ago lost her young husband and father to her four children. She now walks a path by herself with no companion. She writes about how terribly lonely she is, how she misses her partner. Her youngest celebrates his bithday this past weekend and turned 7 and now is fatherless. She struggles everyday with lonliness. Please pray for her and if you have time please visit her website and leave her encouragement she needs it.
www.caringbridge.org/mn/kevinterry/

Cathy Burres currently is walking the road of brain tumor with her dear husband Lou. She lives with Lou and supports her two sons as she knows what lies ahead. She knows that Lou is not getting better she knows he isn't going to survive. She also knows she has to have the strength to get through this. Some days she doesn't know if she can get through another day. Please pray for strength for her, please pray for peace for Lou, please pray for their sons, please just pray for them.
Click Here: Check out "Lessons from Lou"
http://lessonsfromlou.blogspot.com

I followed little Jacob Duckworth a young child, one of a set of triplets died from cancer and on that same day another family lost there young son WIll to cancer as well. Both of those families have to just get up and keep going because they have other children to take care of. Pray for these families because they need your prayer.

Back severl months ago Cheri Schuppert lost her husband and in that same week another young woman lost her husband John and a mother lost her 23 year old son Eric. All of this happened in one week. All from cancer. All too early.

This week Michelle Meyer and her three children remembered their husband/father who left them one year ago. If Michelle had not lost more than she needed when 17 years ago her and Dave lost their first born son Kyle she then lived through Dave's illness and later lost him. She is now lonely and left to raise their three beautiful children. The only thing I can think is that Kyle really needed his Dad. I can't believe there was anyother reason to take Dave. Pray for Michelle, Kenny, Zack and Kate.

I could not be complete without mentioning my mom, who lost her soul mate, my father on May 5, 05. She is lost, lonely and has every feeling each of these people I mentioned feel. Although she had a much longer life with him she still feels so empty. I spoke with my father every night and now I can't not the way I am use to. When I had problems or needed answers I still went to my dad and now I can't and it aches. People said it would get better after a year -- it didn't and it doesn't I just miss him more. Please pray for my mom

So I guess my reason for writing on this topic is that there are so many people who are hurting, so many people who need prayers, so much pain. Although I feel like I am the only one missing my dad so much there are so many other people hurting. If you know someone who has lost someone please remember to pray for them, please remember to care about them and please don't forget to remember they hurt no matter if it has been 1 day or 19 years because that kind of hurt doesn't go away . . . . . . never ever!

Besides Praying Kenny Meyers collects ink cartridges to send off and all the proceeds are going to fight CANCER. So particpate in this process and fight this deadly disease that takes many more people than I know of or you know of. Save the pain so many have felt.

SLEEP


I know it sounds like a silly topic but it is a word I have started to treasure when it happens. I thought of it today because last night was one of the first nights in months I have actually slept through the night and woke up rested. Of course woke up at 4:00 a.m. for the day but slept from 11:00 p.m. till then. It was the most straight through sleep in a long time. My typical sleep is to bed about 10:30 up at 1 back down at 2 sleep till 4 back up till 5 and sleep till 6:15 or so and RUSH like crazy to get ready for work. Night time brings such horrible memories and dreams for me. Sometimes I wake up thinking my dad is right in the other room and I get up looking for him and he isn't there and I just cry. I sometimes wonder if that feeling or those thoughts will ever go away or are they here for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wake up just shaking to think it isn't Tom next to me but my dad and I need to make sure he is still breathing and he hasn't left us. I have a beautiful portrait and certificate we received after he died from Washington D.C. for his service to the country hung on the front room wall and sometimes at night I just go and stare at it and wonder why this all happened. I always thought night time was to be peaceful and restful and now nighttime is my most dreaded time. I think that is why I try to keep my family doing things and hate when people start wanting to go to bed . . . .Maybe peace will come again in the night for me.

"Once in a while you find someone who makes such a difference in your life that to call that person a friend is not enough. That person is family and that is what you are to me"

I looked at my blog this morning and thought boy I need to update this badly but right now I don't have the energy or the mind set to do it. Then I had lunch with my friend Connie who is/has been there hand in hand with me during this year of "grief." Connie lost her mother about 1.5 months after I lost my father and although we were acquaintances we became "sisters" through this process and I so enjoy every moment and time we have to share.

Today we talked alot about this first year of loss and transitioning into what was described to us by others "as worse than the first year." I don't know how many people told us after you get through these "firsts" everything gets better. Then we had people tell us "the second year is worse" and Connie and I both agreed today that the second year is indeed worse. It is hard to describe but it is like well we made it through in this fog and disbelief state and now the first year is over and bam it hits you smack in the face that they are never returning. The fog is lifted and the reality has set in.

Connie talked about having someone call and talk about how they were leaving on a family vacation with all their kids and how they were so looking forward to it and really to Connie it was with such disregard to how she was really feeling "I want to be going to the beach with my mom." Just like when I returned from Phoenix "I bet it was the greatest time." Well yes there were great moments but there was also so many sad moments, so many sad memories, and sad goodbys. So Connie and I talked alot about those things today and I feel so priviledged that I have someone to share those feelings with . . . someone to walk that path with.

We talked about Michelle Meyer and others that we have become familiar with because of Michelle's website that have that "1st Anniversary" right around the corner. How awful a reality it will be for them when it doesn't get better. Some of those mother's lost their spouses and now raise children that they have too support emotionally. Connie's own mother at 34 raised five little girls all by herself. Woman and Men like this are heros is our book.

So this brief blog is to thank the woman that walked and continues to walk by my side as we travel through this journey we didn't chose but was choosen for us. Much love and thoughts to those who walk this road too; although we don't always meet, Connie and I think of you and know what you are experiencing.

REASONS TO SMILE . . . .

Although, there is so much heartache left from the death of my father it is also hard not to smile when thinking of our first born grandchild, Ciara. I was so happy to get some real quality time with her. She brings much happiness to me, to her greatgrandma, her aunt and her mom. My father was a "girls" guy; nothing made him more proud than his girls. I remember in November 05 when Morgan and I flew to Phoenix for a week (Heather was already there going to nursing school) and he took us out to this very expensive steak house and he made a toast "to all my favorite girls." He was in the best minutes of his life when he was surrounded by all of us. Both times I got pregnant he wanted nothing but "girls." I think he would have loved them even if they were boys but to hear him talk, I don't know. So I know that he is now smiling down on his greatgranddaughter Ciara who adds to his favorite girls. Many times in the past two weeks when we were in Phoenix my mother would pass by his ashes and say "you would love to be here" and indeed he would have. So blessing to God for sending us yet another generation of "girls" for my dad.

Another Trip Home . . . . . . .
My second trip home since my dad left us in body. It just doesn't seem to get any easier and in some respects it just gets harder. My father made a beautiful home on the golf course and spent hours and hours in the yard and house and now my mother isn't able to keep everything up herself and so my father's beautiful yard is dying and mom is having things taken out to limit the upkeep. I don't blame mom because she has to make things easier for herself but it just breaks my heart.

Sometimes I think that when I return home things will be better; things will have changed and perhaps maybe Dad will be there even though I know he won't. It is hard from the moment we step off the plane and he isn't at the gate to meet us and tell us how much he loves us, he isn't at the house in body when we arrive, he isn't in the sunroom when we wake up to greet us and he isn't there to let Morgan drive the golf cart. He is absent. He is missing. He is missed.

However, for me being able to come in and greet his ashes in there container is a blessing. I always greet him with a kiss and when I depart I always say goodby and give him a kiss. When i do my mother's "honey do" list for 11 days makes me feel my father's great spirit. He loved taking care of my mother and she misses that so those few days I am able to take his place makes my heart happy. I have painted, cleaned ovens, changed light bulbs, cleaned skylights, covered shelves in contact paper, soaked fruit trees, picked up old fruit, straighted out telephone bills, and the list goes on and in most cases I might have returned home tired but I feel like it is the only bit of time I can give to my mother ever 6 months that she can feel taken care of and loved like only my dad could love her.

Leaving this morning is heartwrenching for me. I spent the whole trip home in tears . . . . I hate leaving my mother, I hate leaving the home that carries the spirit of my father and it just reminds me so much what we lost. I have to say we have mentioned lots of good things this year . . . a new granddaughter which we couldn't love more, a new son in law and of course our eldest daughter who has made us proud in her new role as mother and wife. However, all the good doesn't make what we lost better it just makes us wish "our hero" was around to witness his great grandaughter and his new grandson in law but life goes on and another day begins to end . . . . .

Good Memories



This reminds me of good times with my father . . . . . .This was taken on a trip that we took to the beach with Mom, Dad, both girls and Tom and I. We all had such fun and it was always important for my father to experience all he could with his two granddaughters, his son, his daughter and his wife. He was a true family man.

My mom made me a beautiful album of pictures of my dad when he was young, middle age and old, pictues of him and my mom, pictures of us as a young family, pictues of dad and his granddaughters. It is a beautiful picture album that I will treasure for the rest of my life but for now it remains mostly unopened because it makes tears flow too easily. . . . . .

A FATHER MEANS...
A Father means so many things...
A understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he's a man like you...

Time For Another Walk Down Memory Lane . . . . .

This Friday, 7/14, my youngest daughter and I head to Sun City, AZ to visit my mother, my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter. This will be my second trip to visit and stay with my mom without my father being there. This trip like the last will be very emotional filled. The anticipation of the trip is always with mixed emotion. The first time I walk in the house after embracing my mother is a trip to the Arizona Room where my father's ashes lay on a table surrounded by photos, candles and angels. It really is a beautiful area my mother has created however, it is always an emotional visit. I would rather walk into the Arizona Room and be greeted by my best friend, my father. Most of the time I am at peace in the house because I feel his presence so strongly there. I enjoyed visiting so much when my father lived there. He created a beautiful house and yard there and we had so many good memories and times in that house. Even though I still love the house and enjoy the visits something is missing -- there is an emptiness -- a uncomplete visit. On the other hand when I am there I feel totally surrounded by his love and peace. This trip will be different, my youngest daughter Morgan will come with me. We had no service for my father when he passed away so Morgan and Tom didn't come to Arizona when he died, this will be the first time she won't have her "Grandpa Lou." I don't know how it will feel for her, I don't know what emotions will fill her heart and body. He has always been there when she stepped off the plane and he wrapped his arms around her. She loved him more than life and "Grandpa Lou" could never get his fill of either of his granddaughters.. So I come to you asking for prayers as I begin this journey on Friday. I am ever thankful that my friend Connie, who has grieved with me this year, will be the one that sends me off on the plane to begin yet another journey. . . . . . . . . .

Friends We Didn't Even Know We Had . . . . . .

I got the sweetest email today from Cathy from Chicago, Ill. I started visiting "Lessons For Lou" about a month ago after getting the link from Michelle Meyers Website. I guess I was curious more than anything because my father's name was "Lou" and I fell in love with the entries Cathy wrote about her beloved Lou. Soon I started getting emails from Cathy and today even a picture. I learned Cathy had lost her father shortly before my own father and she too was best friends with her father and she too calls her mother who lives a long way away each and every night. I find myself delighted when an email comes in from Cathy especially knowing she has her hands busy with her family and her special Lou. Thanks for being my friend Cathy.

I have found a friend in Michelle Meyer through her caringbridge site for her beloved Dave. I barely knew Michelle when this was all happening to Michelle and then one day at work shortly after my father passed away an email came out telling us Dave had passed away and feel free to visit the website to get more details. I remember spending hours reading through Michelle's journal and I kept reading it on a daily basis and praying for her family. I feel very connected now to Michelle and when the first anniversary of my father's death came around I was away from my office and when I came back here was a wonderful card and a stone with the words "Hope" on it from my new friend Michelle. I feel priviledged when we meet and embrace no words have to be exchanged.

I met someone I knew as an acquaintance before through Michelle's website, Kathie Farrens. Now Kathie doesn't work too often in the bookstore and I wish she did. We find ourselves emailing often. I learned of Kathie's loss of her mother and father and Kathie's rememberances of my own parents when they lived in Walla Walla. It is wonderful to have Kathie's emails and prayers.

Connie Loomer as become as Michelle calls it "the one who is always there" I lost my father in May and Connie lost her mother in June. We have supported each other through this past year through sorrow and survival. When I need someone she is always there and when she needs someone I am there for her. I can't even describe in words what Connie has meant to me. I really believe and Connie believes it to that God brought us together.

Caringbridge has become my friend. It has given me the opportunity to pray for people I don't even know. So many have lost their spouses and children and it has been a priviledge and honor to grieve with them even if it is from a distance. I am so glad to support caringbridge families. It has helped my own grieving proces.

Life is full of surprises and these new friends have been some of the best surprises. Thank you all.

New Perspective --

Boy tonight was one of those moments that before my father died I would not have thought twice about. I call my mother who lives in Phoenix every night now since my father died. I don't know if I do that for her or if it is for me because I need to be reassured that she is still there by hearing her voice. Anyway, I called her several times yesterday and got no answer and because we had company till late didn't think twice about it. However, tonight I called and called and called and kept getting that busy signal. My heart raced thinking of all the horrible things that could happen and realized I had no phone number of neighbors. Tom said we need to call the police down there and have them go to the house and check on her and my heart sank even though I knew he was right. I emailed my brother in San Francisco hoping he had some answers but it seems he had been trying to call her with no luck and he was worried. In the mean time my mom calls from her cell phone and says "you don't call me any more?" Was I relieved to hear her voice. She didn't even realize her phone was out of service. Life gives you a new perspctive when you lose the "Protector of Your Family." He was everything to us but he always protected us and took care of us. I miss him always but I always knew he took care of my mother and now ...................

Why Do Things Happen???

Somedays I have to wonder why things happen the way they do. A young girl in Morgan's class was traveling in Mexico when a terrible car accident took the life of her dear father, her loving aunt and uncle and has left her clinging to her life at 14. The lord spared her mother only because she was traveling with her own father but oh how she must be saying "Why Lord, Why Me?" I can't help but ask that question as well. How will this woman survive and what does she have to look forward to?
All these questions. My daughter Morgan says why to me and I have no answer. . . . .

Well, I have had a hard time getting this whole thing up and going but I hope I am getting it.

What my goal is for this blog is a place that I can use for journaling. It has been a whole year since losing my dear father to multiple melenoma. He had not been feeling well for about six months but no doctor, and he went to many, were able to find anything wrong with him. He took every pain medication they would give to him to help relieve his terrible pain. However no one knew what was causing the pain. Then in late March they found the "cancer" and from that point it was all down hill and he left to be with "jesus" on Mayh 4, 2005.

Since that day life has changed. Life has changed for my mom who is without her spouse after 52 years and she is so lonely. Life has changed for his two granddaughters who he dotted on and life has certainly changed for my brother and I. My brother tends to bottle it all up and not speak of it -- like it never happened. Me on the other hand I have been crying for one year and it doesn't seem to get better. I don't know if it will get better.

However, I guess life insists we continue to live so live we will do but in a different way for sure.